Secret Love
by Rowan Arkenson
Summary: Voldemort is after James' blood, because of a deep prophecy. James tries to protects lily, but ends up hurting her. will he tell her the truth, before its too late? FINISHED!
1. Prologue

Title: Secret Love

Summary: Every day James and Lily torture each other. They hate each other. …Or do they? James has a secret, but will he tell Lily before it's too late? 

Disclaimer: JK Rowling is the proud owner of most things here. I just made up a few characters.

Author's Note: Hello! Kind of a crappy title. Oh well. I'm sure the story will be good! Review please! J 

****

Prologue

"Liiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" James creeped into Lily's dormitory and called for her name. Lily didn't answer. Or, at least, no sound came from her bed. Good, she's asleep, James thought sneakily. He looked around. All the other girls were already up. James grinned. Perfect…

"AHHHH!" Lily looked at herself in her mirror. "James you pig!" she shouted to no one in particular. She got up hurriedly and ran down the stairs. James and Freddie were sat there talking to Lindsay. Lily walked quickly over to James.

"Ah, Lily. You're up, I see… Hey, what happened to your face…"

Lily grabbed James by the neck. "Change me back!" she squealed. Lindsay and Freddie were Lily's best friends. But all the same, they couldn't help laughing. All over Lily's face were big brown hairy warts, she had fangs drooping from her mouth, and her hair was short, hard and grey.

"What do you mean, change you back? I didn't do anything! By the way, if you think that look suits you, then I want you to know, I am with you 100%…"

Lily pushed James to the ground and gave him the menacing stare that always grabbed James by the throat and made his mouth eat his heart. He laughed and took his wand out. He pointed it to Lily and said the counter-curse.

Lily ran off to find her mirror and came down back into the common room staring at herself pleasantly. "I'm glad we got that sorted," she said to James. "I would have hated to have to kill you."

James laughed. "Just getting you back for yesterday!" he said defensively.

"Yeah, but _that _was just me getting you back for what you did to me last week!"

And so it went on.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

__

God I love her…


	2. Getting it on

"Hey, prongs, you alright?"

James smiled slightly at his best friend. Sirius looked slightly concerned, but also looked as if he was trying to be the cocky, uncaring bastard he usually was. James nodded. "Yeah, sure."

Sirius obviously didn't believe him, but let it go. "Hey, quidditch game coming up! First game of the season as well. We're gonna whoop Slytherins butts, right man?"

James nodded unenthusiastically. Both were on the team. James a chaser, and Sirius a beater. Both were great but James was brilliant. Best chaser in the school it was said. Thanks to him and the team, they won almost every game, whether they caught the snitch or not.

"So, where are the girls?" James asked Sirius lightly.

"At Hogsmede with Freddie," Sirius answered. He grinned. "Why?"

"Just wondered."

"Don't suppose you wanna go down there do you?"

"Well if you want to, I don't mind," James said hurriedly, standing up.

Sirius laughed. "Dude, you're in love aren't you!"

James blushed. "'Course not. Look, do you wanna go or not?"

"Sure, whatever." Sirius led the way to the portrait hole, secretly smiling all the way.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lindsay walked over to the bar. "Three butterbeers please." Then she noticed Sirius and James coming in through the door and waved to them. "Actually, make that five," she added to the waitress, who nodded and went to get the drinks.

Sirius and James walked up to Lindsay. "Hi," she said. "Ordered drinks for you."

"Thanks sugarplum," Sirius kissed Lindsay on the cheek and she pushed him away laughing.

She saw James looking around, and waved her hands in front of his face. James shook his head and looked at her. "Well, do I get a hello or not?" Lindsay asked.

"Oh, yeah sure, sorry," James looked confused, but then shook it off and smiled cheekily. "Do I get a kiss as well, babe?"

Lindsay laughed. "You two already have girlfriends, in case you've forgotten."

"You know you're our one true love though," Sirius pouted, and put his arms round her. Lindsay pushed away from him as she saw Clara walking through the door. Sirius turned round and walked towards her. "Hey baby," he said, and gave her a kiss.

They walked over to the bar and Clara grinned at Lindsay. "So, what was it today?"

"Um…sugarplum, I think. You know, I forget. There's so many!"

"You better not be cheating on me, baby…" Clara said seductively to Sirius.

He just grinned. "Oh, you know me…"

"Exactly!" They kissed, and then Clara turned to James.

"Hi Potter. What's up?"

James smiled. "Not much. You haven't dumped him yet then?"

"Ahh, well, I ain't got the heart. He's so cute!" Clara pinched Sirius' cheeks, and Sirius squirmed like a six year old.

James looked at the butterbeers being pushed towards Lindsay from behind the bar. "Five?" he questioned. "Are Lily and Freddie coming then?" He hoped that he hadn't sounded too hopeful.

"No." Lindsay nodded her head towards a section of the pub. James turned round and saw Peter and Remus waving at them at a table. "Oh," said James. He smiled. "So…where are Lily and Freddie?"

Sirius grinned. "They're probably off snogging somewhere knowing them. Honestly. Can't keep their hands off each other! 'Spect they lost track of time."

James said nothing, and he and Lindsay carried the drinks over to Remus and Peter while Clara ordered one for herself.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"There you are," Remus said. He and James had just got back to the castle and had found Lily and Freddie in a section of the library, looking rather busy.

Lily pulled away from Freddie, embarassed, and wiped her mouth. "Oh, hey guys."

Freddie brushed himself down. James grinned. "So, you two been, 'getting it on'?" James said the last part in a sexy American accent.

Lily hit him in the shoulder. "Shut up, Pothead."

Remus grinned. "I thought you two were coming to Hogsmede."

Lily's face brightened. "Oh yeah! I completely forgot! Well, you see, me and Freddie had some research to catch up on for…for…"

"Herbology," Freddie put in.

"Yeah, Herbology, right. And then, well, you know what happens when you're in the moment and, time just…gets away from you…" Lily faltered.

"Herbology, huh?" said Remus. He looked around him. "Which would explain why you're in the 'great wizards of all time' section."

Lily opened her mouth to say something, then decided against it. "Oh, what's the point?" she said finally, laughing off the embarassment. Everyone laughed. Except for James. Who merely smiled.

"Be wary Evans," James said craftily, changing the subject abruptly. "Wherever you go, wherever you are, I will be there…to pelt you with smoke bombs!"

Lily laughed a short harsh laugh. "Ha! It's my turn isn't it?! I've still got to get you back for that ugly werewolf look you gave me this morning!" James laughed, then stopped and looked at Remus, who had gone quiet.

Lily bit her lip. "Sorry, Remus. I didn't mean…"

"Whatever." Remus shrugged and looked to the ground. "Speaking of which, it's getting late. Full moon tonight, right?" No one said anything.

"Want me to come with you…"

"Nah, I'll be alright prongs. I think I'll take this one alone. I need some time to think anyway. See you all tomorrow." Remus walked off glumly.

James punched Lily in the shoulder. "Nice one," he muttered.

"Sorry! I forgot, ok?"

Freddie glanced at his watch. "He was right. It is getting late. We'd better go."

James nodded and turned to walk towards the door. His smile slowly faded, and Freddie and Lily walked behind, fingers interlaced, unknowing and uncaring.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/n: I am stupid. Just thought I'd tell u that. Thank you to everyone who reminded me that REMUS is a werewolf, not Sirius. I could not be more dumb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I have changed it J 


	3. Quidditch

There was nothing better, nothing like it. James loved flying. He couldn't even think of how you could describe it to someone who didn't know how. He couldn't think of any better way to explain it than to tell people to try it for themselves. 

"Ready?" James asked looking down at their shaky third-year seeker.

Her name was Lola. Like the song, James thought, and grinned. Lola looked up at him and managed a little smile. "Um, yeah. I'm ready."

"You'll be fine."

James led his team out onto the soft grass, amidst the bellowing cheers coming from the crowd. "Up," James commanded to his broom, and swooped up high into the air, doing warm-up twirls and loops. He sped round the stadium twisting in and out of the towers of screaming Griffindors. There also seemed to be quite a cry for the Griffindor team coming from the Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs. Slytherin weren't much liked; it had to be said.

James just loved flying. Almost as much as he loved… No, he wasn't going to think about her. Not on the first quidditch match of the season. Of the year. James felt the wind sweep past him and let it cool down his nerves. He closed his eyes and flew upside down. Not to show off, as he knew many people thought, but to calm himself. Relax himself, ready for the game. He'd read in a book once that you had to be at one with the wind to be a true quidditch player. James had at the time thought it to be a load of bullshit, but it was actually rather good at calming the nerves.

The broom uprighted itself and James flew up to Sirius steadying himself next to his best friend. "Stay by me," he told Sirius in his own team-leader commando way.

"You got it chief," Sirius mocked, saluting him.

James grinned. "Tell Jezzie to stay near the new seeker. It's Lola's first quidditch match, she's bound to be nervous. I don't want her hit in her first match."

Sirius nodded and flew over to Jezzie, the other Griffindor beater. James flew down to where the quaffle was being held. James was very pleased with himself. He hadn't thought of Lily much at all that day. He knew as well as everyone else in the school how important this first match was. Of course, they usually won anyway, but James had learned never to expect anything. Something new could always happen.

Lily…

Crap. James shook his head and tried to get Lily out, but before he had time to recover, the whistle had been blown, the quaffle had been thrown and Slytherin had caught it. James sped up into the air and followed closely behind Killa, who had the quaffle. He signalled to Sirius and a bludger was thrown at Killa. James swooped in quickly and grabbed the quaffle. He flew like lightning down to the opposite end of the pitch. He threw the quaffle to another chaser, Porkey, and Porkey threw it into a hoop. Slytherin's keeper wasn't even close to it. Porkey and James slapped hands. "Nice one, Potter," Porkey said quickly, then flew in to get the quaffle again.

One hesitation. One lapse in time. One brief moment and James found himself being the target of a very angry bludger. He swore loudly and dived, just in time to dodge it. Concentrate! James told himself angrily. Where had the quaffle gone? Oh, it was right at the other end of the pitch! James hovered over to the middle, ready for when the quaffle came back down. It did, after Slytherin had scored a goal. James looked over at the scoreboard. It read: Griffindor 10 – 10 Slytherin. They were drawing. Well, that could be quickly changed.

Porkey and Johnson threw the quaffle back and forth, getting it down to James. Johnson threw it to James, and he caught it… Just.

James sped down to the hoops. But he didn't even see the bludger coming. Luckily, Sirius managed to knock it out the way before serious damage could be brought upon his leader. James threw the quaffle back to Johnson, who scored in a hoop. "What's up with you, man? I can't protect you from the bludgers all the time," Sirius said quickly, then went off to help Jezzie.

But James had barely heard him. Lola had spotted the snitch. James flew around wildly. Lily, Lily… Where was the quaffle? Ah yes, we've just scored a goal. Lovely. Lily, Lily, Lily… Shit, now Slytherin have scored a goal! TWO goals! Lily, oh Lily…

James looked over at the scoreboard. Griffindor 20 – 40 Slytherin. Oh dear. This was not good. As long as Lola caught the snitch it would be ok. Lola and the Slytherin seeker, a fifth year named Jack, were battling it out chasing he snitch all over the pitch. Snitch rhymes with pitch, James thought stupidly. He grinned, then stopped, realising he wasn't being very useful.

The quaffle was suddenly thrown at James without warning and he didn't catch it. A Slytherin behind him caught it and sped away scoring another goal. Now they were down 50-20.

James' team members kept giving him strange looks, but there was no way James could finish the game now. All he could think about was Lily. Her beautiful red flowing hair and her contradicting witchy green sparkly eyes.

Lola caught the snitch.

The crowd roared. The team laughed. Lola grinned broadly. James hung his head and went to the ground to land. True, they had won. But James had been rubbish. He'd let Porkey and Johnson down most of all. He bet they were feeling kind of bad.

James changed his robes, had a quick shower, then left the quidditch stadium trying to avoid everyone. Obviously, that's quite hard when you are the most popular guy in school. Even if he had been rubbish in the quidditch match, everyone still loved him.

James just smiled at a few people and tried to walk away quickly.

Lily walked up to James.

…

Lily? …

…Crap.

"Great game, James!" Lily said smiling her brilliant smile. They began walking together up to the castle.

James looked around her. No friends with her. Great.

"Oh, I wasn't that good," James said truthfully. "I sucked. Admit it."

Lily paused for a moment, finding the words. "Well, I wouldn't say you completely sucked. It's the first game James! No one's expecting you to be brilliant! It was probably just because it's been a while since you played or something."

James didn't tell Lily that he had practised almost every week in the holidays with his brothers and sisters.

James smiled at Lily. Lily smiled at James. James' heart melted. "So, what you doing now?" Lily asked. James looked at his watch.

"Dunno. Guess I'd better get some homework done," James answered.

"Well, you wanna meet up and we'll do it together?"

James' heart skipped a beat. "What, you mean like, together?"

Lily laughed. "Sure! Shall I meet you in the library in…15 minutes?"

"Sure…" said James.

Lily grinned and ran off to find her friends. James stopped walking abruptly and someone from behind crashed into him knocking them both to the ground.

"Ow!" James exclaimed, rubbing his head. He sat up and turned round. Remus was lying almost on top of him. James pushed him off and stood up.

"Oh, sorry mate," said Remus, grabbing his bag and standing up. "I was running to catch up with you. Guess I didn't see you."

"S'alright. So, what did you want?"

Remus paused before saying quickly, "Are you alright?"

James was slightly shocked, and then, trying to answer without hesitation, "Yeah, thanks. Why?"

Remus gave him a look. "You just seemed really out of it today, that's all."

James shrugged and they started walking again. "Just had other things on my mind, that's all."

"Other things of, perhaps, the opposite gender?"

James pushed him. "Shove off."

Remus laughed and put up his hands defensively. "Alright, alright. But that's what it is, isn't it?" James didn't answer. "If it wasn't, you wouldn't be so denfensive and secretive about it, would you?" James thought about it. The guy had a point.

"Look, it's not a girl, ok? I was just thinking so much about how much I didn't wanna screw up, that I screwed up. Ok? Satisfied?"

Remus grinned but said nothing. "So, it's a girl, yes?"

James couldn't help laughing. 


	4. Guilt

A/N: please please r&r my two other stories!!!!! Thanx.

James walked along the corridor, carrying some pieces of parchment and a quill. He and Lily. _Together._

When James got to the library he walked straight in, showing no hesitation. But he couldn't help feeling excited. Lily wouldn't have asked him especially to work with her if there wasn't something she wanted to tell him..

He spotted her across the library already working hard on something. She was sitting at the table, her hand gently holding a quill as she scribbled it across the paper. James started walking towards her slowly. Her brow was creased to a frown in concentration. Lily lifted her hand up to brush her red silky hair out of the way, behind her ears, lifting her head up slightly, to show her magnificent green eyes.

When she did this, she spotted James and waved to him, smiling. James snapped out of his trance and grinned back.

He set his stuff down on the table and sat opposite her. "So, what are you doing?"

"Transfiguration," Lily said glumly.

James laughed. "What's so wrong with transfiguration?"

"I can't do it!" Lily wailed.

James moved across the table, leaning over her parchment. "What do you have to do?" he asked her.

They were so close that when Lily spoke her lips almost touched James' cheek. He hoped that she couldn't hear his heart beating. "I've got to write down a potion that I could do if I was an animal and needed to change back."

James leaned back again and grinned evilly. "Help me!" squealed Lily.

"Only if you help me with my muggles studies homework!"

"Deal." They shook hands and electricity shot up through James' arm and all through his body almost making him shake. His hands were beginning to sweat, so James drew his hand back quickly.

They got hard at work, and began talking. Mostly laughing, thinking of the things they'd done to each other (not dirty things! Pranks).

"Yeah, but I only turned you into a snail because you made fun of them," Lily pointed out.

James opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it. "She has a point there," he said aloud.

Lily laughed and shook her head down to her parchment again. James watched her for a bit, then saw her smile slowly fade. She looked up at James again. "What did I do?!" James asked automatically

Lily paused. "James, I…I'm sorry."

James was a little taken back. This was the talk. He knew it. But…what was she sorry for? "Ya what?"

__

"Well…" Lily looked uncomfortable. James' heart started beating fast again. He clenched his hands together under the table so that she wouldn't know they were sweating.

"Ever since…I'm afraid I haven't been a very good friend to you." _Why? Because she's been keeping hidden feelings from me?? Oh, please…_

"Ok, you lost me." James laughed shakily, and coughed.

"Well, ever since I've been going out with Freddie, we've kinda lost touch, haven't we?" James' smile started to fade. "I mean, we still torture each other," she smiled, "but we haven't hung out for a while, have we?"

"I just wanted to apologise. I mean, I've been feeling kinda bad…" Lily blushed.

James said nothing and sat back, expressionless. "So. That's why you asked me to come meet you here," he said slowly.

Lily frowned. "Huh?"

James stood up. "So you could apologise to me and relieve you of your guilt?"

Lily looked pained. "No, no, it's not like that. It's just… Freddie…"

"Why is it always about Freddie?" James picked up his stuff.

"James, don't go, please…"

"Whatever Lily." James walked out of the library.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James lay in bed that night thinking. Why had he been so mean to Lily? He couldn't really remember. All he could remember was that she was apologising to him for not being a good friend, and then he'd gotten really angry. 

__

Why?

Because she didn't love him, and he needed her to. That was why.

A/n: VERY short chapter – but who cares?!?!?!?!!


	5. The KissyKissy Cupboad

"Jamesy boy?"

"Go away."

"No. Get up you lazy sod."

James opened his eyes, and found they hurt like mad. He rubbed them but they hurt even more. He then remembered the floods of secret tears that he had shed the previous night. James blinked and put his glasses on. He looked up at the person standing over him. Lily?…

Sirius, Peter and Remus were standing around his bed. "Sod off…" James said and slammed his head back down on the pillow. He rubbed his eyes again, and, again, winced in pain. "What time is it?"

"It's 11am," Peter answered him.

"Shit! I missed muggle studies!" James cried sitting up.

"Chill," Remus said, pushing him back down. "I looked in on you four hours ago and you looked like shit so we thought we'd leave you sleeping."

"Don't worry," Sirius added. "I talked to the professor and told him you were ill. He said it was fine."

James relaxed back down again. It was quite lucky really, seeing as he'd never finished his homework after he'd walked out on Lily in the library.

__

Oh god. I'm so pathetic.

"Anyone seen Lily this morning?"

The marauders exchanged glances. "What?" James asked.

Remus and Peter looked at Sirius. "Yeah, kinda," Sirius said.

"What the hell does kinda mean?" James asked.

"She was in a pretty bad way. She said you two had an argument last night, and you were angry and stuff, then she talked to Freddie and…" He paused. "They broke up."

"What?" James sat up again.

"I really think you should have some rest, man," said Peter.

"I'm fine," James insisted, getting out of bed quickly. "I've got to find Lily." He grabbed his jeans and put them on.

"Why?" Sirius asked suspiciously. "Look man, I'm sorry for even asking you this, but I've got to… Nothing's going on between you and Lily is it?"

"No! 'Course not! I'm with Kelly and she's with Freddie and that's that. At least, she _was _with Freddie…"

Sirius took James by the shoulder and looked at him. James sighed. "Look, if there was something secretly going on between me and Lily, it wouldn't exactly be a secret knowing you guys would it?" James grinned.

Sirius laughed and let him go. "Whatever."

"But they can't break up because of…look, I'll catch up with you guys in potions, ok? Tell the professor I'm still not feeling too good if I'm late, ok?" And with that James ran out of the dormitory to find Lily.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Lily?" It hadn't taken James long to find her. Crouched in the corner of the library hiding from accusing stares and mutterings about her cheating on Freddie. James plucked up his courage and walked over to Lily.

"Hey Lil'." James sat down opposite Lily and she looked up, her hair falling down her back.

"James!" she looked surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard about you and Freddie."

"Yeah, well, in that case, don't you think we should stay away from each other for a bit?"

"But I don't want to," James said quickly. Lily frowned, and James coughed. "I mean, I'm sorry for going off at you like that last night. I didn't mean it."

"No, no, you were right. I'm a bitch, James! You don't wanna be friends with me…"

"Yes I do, Lily!" James laughed to cover up his deep sincerity. "Who else is gonna help me with muggle studies?"

Lily smiled. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too." James held out his hand. "Friends?"

Lily ignored the hand and leant across the table to hug him. James clutched her tightly, and for a while didn't let go. Then he remembered where they were and stood up. "Now. What are you going to do about Freddie?" he asked.

Lily looked pained as they walked side by side out of the library, ignoring the whispers. "Oh, I don't know! I didn't really mean to break up with him. I do love him…"

James looked down on her and Lily looked at him. "But I'm not gonna go out with him again."

"Why not?"

"I neglected all of my friends when I went out with him."

James knew that this was going to be hard. Helping the one he loved would mean more horrible pain for him. "No you didn't, Lil'. And anyway, this is love! Much more important."

Lily thought about it. "I don't know…Ok, I'm _only _going to go back out with him if you want me to. It's all down to you. If you're sure I won't be neglecting you and everyone else, then I might."

James laughed. "Of course I don't mind! You've got…Freddie, and I…I've got Kelly." James found that last part very hard to say. He still couldn't believe he and Lily weren't together, when he knew they should be.

"But are you _sure _it'll be alright?"

James hesitated. Part of him was screaming, _No! Don't go back to _him. _You should be with me! _But then he saw the look on Lily's face. He knew what she desperately wanted him to say.

"Go get him, Lils."

Lily reached up and kissed James on the cheek. "Thanks James. You're a good friend." She ran off to find Freddie.

"Friend? Great," muttered James. He was about to walk after her; he wanted to spy on her to see how it went with Freddie, when he heard his name being called.

"Jamsey boy?" **Dayjarvoo,** thought James. As he turned he caught sight of, to his dismay, Kelly; his sixth year Ravenclaw girlfriend. The jealously of the entire female population of the school anchored towards her. Kelly had beautiful blonde hair that curved round to her neck and stopped. Her contrasting blue eyes struck out from her perfect symmetrical face, and James' heart began to pound. _For God's sake, James. You can't be in love with two girls at the same time! It's Lily you want. You've got to end it with Kelly._

But even as James thought this, he knew he never would. He couldn't. Kelly was beautiful in a way Lily could never be.

James faked a grin. "Hiya babe," he said, kissing her lightly and quickly on the lips as she drew up to him, but she held it on longer. James pulled back. "What's on you mind?" he asked, wanting to get the hell away from her.

"Just wondering where you've been the past couple of weeks." Oh dear, thought James. Kelly made a pouting six-year-old face. "I haven't seen much of you." She touched the buttons on James' shirt, then looked up at him seductively. "It's like you've been avoiding me."

__

…No duh.

"Oh, 'course I haven't been avoiding you sweetie, but I really can't talk about this now. I have to find someone."

James broke away and began to walk off. "Who, Lily?" Kelly called after him.

James stopped and turned round. He didn't say anything, just waited for Kelly to explain. She had her arms folded and had lost the sweet and innocent look on her face. Now, James thought weakly, she just looked downright sexy. "People talk, James. People have been saying that Lily and Freddie broke up because of you. Wanna explain?"

"Not really," James muttered to himself. He walked up to Kelly and touched her face. "You know you're the only one I love," James said soothingly to her. And before he could stop himself, he found his lips pushing into hers. Yeah, he remembered why he was going out with her. Because whenever he was with Kelly, the deep painful hurt he felt for Lily disappeared.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James' spying on Lily had been forgotten, as well as going to lessons. He lay back onto the tree and sighed happily. He hadn't even been thinking of Lily. And Kelly was sleeping soundly on his chest. He looked down at her. She was so beautiful. He was a lucky guy; they were the perfect match. …At least, that's what everyone said. James was the hottest guy in school and Kelly was the prettiest gir. Even James saw in his friends' eyes the jealousy as they saw him with Kelly. Yeah, if they broke up, it wouldn't take her long to find someone else.

It would for James though. Kelly didn't really care who she was with, as long as she was popular. But James was a bit pickier. James frowned as he thought about this. If they did break up, then Kelly would probably be hanging on Sirius' arm in days. Or someone else's. Anyone else's really. But James would be on his own. He only wanted Kelly. Or Lily…

James looked down on Kelly again. Her head was tilted upwards, so he had a clear focus on her face. He realised; Kelly was seductive and sexy; she could lure any man to her; but she wasn't pretty. She wasn't beautiful like Lily was… How could he even have compared her to Lily!

James woke Kelly up softly. "Wha…what?" Kelly said adorably, as she woke up, and rubbed her eyes. "Ooh," she said as she spotted James' head above her. She smiled. "I fell asleep! Sorry, I'm just so tired."

__

Yeah, she's sweet. But she just wants to be popular. That's the only reason why she's here, James reminded himself, as he prepared for what he was about to do.

"I'm sorry Kelly," he said. "But, we're breaking up." James stood up. 

So did Kelly. "What? Why?" Kelly looked confused. She'd probably never been dumped before. James understood why.

"I'm sorry," James said again. He started walking away, but Kelly was very persistant.

"You can't just dump me after one amazing afternoon with no reason for it!" Kelly wailed. She started crying.

__

She looks so cute when she cries… No. James shook his head. _Don't let her do this. Finish it._

"I just don't love you." Kelly let out another wail. "Don't worry, you'll find someone else. I'm sorry." James kissed Kelly on the forehead, then walked away quickly, before he could change his mind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once again that day, James was looking for Lily. He had to find her. He had to stop her getting back with Freddie. He had to. Or he didn't think he'd be able to cope. _Now, where would Freddie go that Lily might follow him to?_

Then James had it. The trophy room. There was a little cupboard in there that Lily and Freddie had told him about. Their kissy-kissy cupboard, as James and the marauders called it when they were teasing them. _I wish I was with her in her kissy-kissy cupboard,_ James thought stupidly, then laughed at himself.

"Lily?" James walked into the trophy room. "Freddie?" He looked around, and turned the light on, not bothering to close the door behind him. He heard noises coming from the cupboard. Crap. He was too late.

James knew this even before he opened the cupboard door…to Freddie and his love, too busy with each other to even notice him. Lily loved Freddie. And there was nothing James could ever do to change that.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

a/n: wow, long chapter! R&R!!


	6. Hiding

James avoided Lily and Kelly and pretty much everyone else as best he could. It didn't take long for word to get out that both James Potter and Kelly Mitchell were free and single again. James had already been asked out by two seventh years, three sixth years and even a very brave fourth year. But not by the one he wanted.  
  
Lily was happy again. And so was Freddie obviously. James spent most of his free time in the library, studying for the NEWTS (Nastily Exhasuting Wizard Tests) that were coming up at the end of the year.  
  
"So this is where you've been hiding." James looked up from his books to find his three best friends sitting at his table.  
  
"Oh, hey guys."  
  
Sirius looked down at James' book. "Not even Christmas yet, and already you're studying for your NEWTS?"  
  
"That is very wrong!" agreed Remus.  
  
"This must mean you're bored," joined in Peter. "Bored, tired.or just hiding."  
  
"Shove off, I'm not hiding from anything. It's never too early to be prepared."  
  
Sirius put a hand on James' shoulder. "You never told us why you broke up with Kelly."  
  
James looked surprised. Kelly had gone around telling everyone that she had broken up with him. He let her and went along with it; it was the least he could do. It wasn't as if he really cared about his reputation or anything like Kelly did. Sirius laughed. "Yeah, we know."  
  
"Why would Kelly dump you?" asked Remus. "She'd been wanting you for years before you wanted her."  
  
"But you don't want her anymore, obviously," noted Peter. "Wanna tell us why not?"  
  
"Well, why should I?" James asked getting angry. He shook Sirius off.  
  
Sirius smiled wryly. "Um, because, she was lovely?! She was beautiful and sexy and."  
  
"So? She wasn't kind or generous. She was only going out with me because I'm James Potter. Anyway, she's not that beautiful. Not compared to.other people in this school." Sirius and James looked at each other, and Peter felt James' forehead. "Well, he doesn't feel hot. But there's definitely something wrong with him," Peter commented.  
  
"Look, just leave me alone, ok?" James left his books on the table and walked out the library.  
  
Sirius, Remus and Peter all looked at each other. Peter held his hands up. "I'm not going after him. He might kill me!"  
  
Sirius sighed. "I'll go. Wimps," he muttered, and ran after James.  
  
  
  
"James, wait!" Sirius called after him. James didn't stop. Sirius caught up with him and breathed in heavily, catching his breath. "You.had.better.tell me.what's.going."  
  
"On?" James finished for him. "Nothing's going on, ok? I'm perfectly...fine." James walked out into the grounds and looked up at the clear blue sky. He breathed out deeply.  
  
Sirius stared at his best friend. "Ohhh." he said.  
  
James raised an eyebrow at him. "Ohhh. what?" He carried on walking.  
  
"You're in love."  
  
James didn't say anything. Couldn't be bothered.  
  
"Didn't actually believe Remus when he told me what he thought. Our Jamesy boy? In love? No. Too many girls could be hanging off your arm for you to be in love. But I see it now."  
  
James sighed and stopped pretending. "Is it that obvious?"  
  
Sirius nodded. "I'm an expert on these things."  
  
James laughed. Sirius went through girls quicker than anyone he knew. He was still with Clara, as far as James knew, but that could be changing any day.  
  
"So, who is it?" asked Sirius as they walked around the lake.  
  
James hesitated before saying, "Lily."  
  
"Ah yes. Head girl and head boy. Hey, that would be perfect!"  
  
"I know. But she's with Freddie. She loves Freddie."  
  
"I bet she would love you more!"  
  
"Thanks Padfoot but you're not exactly helping."  
  
Sirius looked at the ground. "Hmmm." He looked like he was thinking hard. "You love her, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And you'd do anything for her, right?"  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"And she's happy with Freddie, right?"  
  
James stopped walking. He knew what Sirius meant. He had to let go. "You're right," James said quietly, although Sirius hadn't said anything. "She's happy. I suppose that's all that matters."  
  
Sirius put his arm around James comfortingly. 


	7. A Kiss

"Hey Lily," James walked up to Lily with Sirius.

Lily looked up at them. "Oh, hey guys. James, long time no see."

James looked at Sirius. Sirius nodded his head. "What's going on?" asked Lily.

"Nothing. Hey, wanna go to Hogsmede with us later?"

"Yeah sure."

"Great," James breathed out. "Meet you here in about an hour then, ok?"

"Ok…"

"Oh, and bring Freddie."

Lily stopped. "You sure?"

"Yeah. See you later."

James and Sirius walked up to their dormitory. As soon as got there, James shut the door and leaned against it, sighing deeply. "See? That wasn't so hard, was it?" said Sirius.

James sighed again. "Sirius, you have no idea."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James walked into Zonkos, knowing that being Lily's friend, and having to watch her with Freddie, was going to be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do. But he was doing it. For Lily's sake. And for his own.

"Yes! Perfect!" Remus and Sirius looked immensely happy stocking up on things to use against the Slytherins.

James and Lily were laughing at them. "They are so immature!" Lily said in a mock-mature tone.

"I know!" James stuck his hand out like a girly-girl. "Pranks are like, so old now!" he said trying to sound like Lily. Lily punched him in the shoulder. "Ow!" squealed James. He grabbed a bunch of Meto-blasters and threw them at Lily. They exploded into hundreds of little stars all over her jumper.

"They had better come off!" exclaimed Lily. She grabbed some more Meto-blasters and chucked them at James. It was a Meto-blaster throwing fest. After about 5 minutes, there were thousands of little stars all over the shop, and Lily and James were thrown out.

James couldn't stop laughing. "That was your fault!" he shouted Lily. Lily was laughing too much to answer. James sighed and smiled. He couldn't remember the last time he had had so much fun.

Remus, Sirius and Peter walked out of the shop. "That was great," said Peter.

"Classic," agreed Sirius.

James put his hand into his pocket and grinned mischievously at Lily. He drew out some more Meto-blasters.

"No!" screamed Lily, and started running away. James started throwing Meto-blasters, but she managed to catch them with her wand and chucked them back again.

"Wow, what happened here?!" said Freddie. He walked up to James and Lily, and stared at their star-covered clothes. He grinned and put his arm around Lily. "Hello gorgeous."

Lily glanced at James; James smiled at her to show it was ok, and dropped his Meto-blasters. "You're late!" said Lily, and they kissed.

James walked off trying hard not to care.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"James?" James looked up from his book, and smiled.

"Hi Lily."

Lily sat down next to him in the other armchair and put her hands out to the fire. She shivered. "Cold, isn't it?"

"And getting colder," James pointed out. "Nearly Christmas!"

"I know! Only three weeks to go! You staying here for it?"

"Yeah, I think so. Depends on who else stays I guess. What about you?"

"I don't know. My family's going skiing, so…I don't know. Petunia's going as well though…"

James laughed. "So you're going to stay here then, right?"

"Probably. I can't stand her!"

"She's just jealous because you're a witch and you're prettier than her," James said before thinking. He stopped and looked back at the fire. Lily smiled.

They sat in silence for a moment. "Sorry about earlier."

"For what?" James turned back to Lily.

"You know. We were having fun and everything, hanging out, then Freddie came and ruined it."

James sighed. "Lily, I told you! Freddie's your boyfriend, and…"

"I know, but I shouldn't have just let him barge in on our 'quality time together'," Lily said using air-quotes as she said the last part.

James laughed. "Look, Freddie's a great guy…"

"Is he?" Lily looked serious and leaned back into her chair. James frowned.

"I mean. Ok, so he is a great kisser," Lily smiled slightly, "but he's so serious all the time. He'd go mental if I threw Meto-blasters at him!"

James grinned. Then stopped. "You're being serious, aren't you?"

"Dead serious. I've been thinking about this a lot, but… He can be sweet, and I don't want to hurt him. What do you think I should do?"

James opened his mouth and shut it again. _Break up with him, break up with him… _"Why do you always ask me?" James joked.

"Because you're my friend." Lily leaned over to James and put her hand on his arm. James' heart began to pound.

"Well, do…do you, um…do you love him?" he stuttered.

"I thought I did." Lily looked meaningfully into James' eyes.

_No. You are Lily's friend. Forget everything else. _"But…you've been with him for too long. You can't just break up with him."

"Why not? What if it was you? What if there was someone you wanted more…then would you break up with him?"

James and Lily's faces were coming closer and closer. "Well, if there was someone else, I guess, it wouldn't be fair to stay with him," James whispered.

Lily closed her eyes, and they kissed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: ok. Thanks for reviewing! J and here is my personal thanks to:

ASH     - are you SURE that you two dont like each other?!!  
  
 ii LYS DE TIGRE ii     - glad ya like it! :)  


  
LYDIA     - keep reading!  


  
        - the plot is always thickening...  


  
INTERESTED READER - sorry about the same chapters  


  
        - im not trying to stall, the chapters were just a mistake  
  


KRISTATWEN     - short but sweet, SMALL IS SMASHING! :)   


  


MISTOCEAN       – I know I uploaded the same chapter twice – sorry! I fixed it though! J

–         Same to you, I fixed the chapter thing. Sorry about that, mrs-i-don't-leave-a-name!   

ORANGE               – I messed up on the Sirius/Remus thing, lol, sorry! A genuine mistake!

JASMINEGURL   – thanks for pointing out the Sirius/Remus werewolf thing.

QWERTY              – I'm uploading the chapters, so you better be reading them!

CALICAT              – yeah, what COULD be a great story, but it probably wont be! I'll try my best. J

TWINKLE             – wow – short but sweet!

SOMEONE            - upload your story!!!! The past, present and future one. Itsreally good so far! Glad ya like mine.

-          Another one who didn't leave a name! :S

REESE                    – Thankyou. J

YASASHII TSUBASA        - am continuing!

STRWBRRYSPICE              - LOL, don't worry, I know why you feel bad for james!

QWVIXEN21        - have hurried, please read J

FORBIDDEN         - I know what you mean, snogging is a piggish word, but hey, what can you do?!

Phew, there we go.J r&rplease!

~rowan

x x x x x x

  



	8. A Rather Peculiar Dream

"Sir Fred, I challenge you to a game…of wizards chess…" James looked at Freddie with deathly eyes.

"I accept your challenge. What is the prize for the champion?"

Sir Fred and Sir James turned to King Black. "The winner," King Black began to announce, in a posh tone, "shall get the Lady Lillian Evans. Bring her forward."

Out of a cloud of smoke from somewhere in the room, out stepped the royal servants Pettigrew and Lupin, escorting the Lady Evans, who looked at both Sir Fred and Sir James in heartbreak. Pettigrew and Lupin escorted her to a royal chair next to King Sirius Black.

"Bring the jester forward; if this game doesn't appeal to my liking, I wish to be amused by another means," ordered King Black.

Lupin bowed, and went to fetch Jester Lindsay. She was brought forward, and she bowed to the King.

"A female jester?" roared the King. "I've heard of no such thing!"

"I am very funny, and the lady's best friend," said Jester Lindsay in a rather stupid tone.

The King smiled. "She will do. Let the game begin!"

"May the better man win," said Sir Fred, holding out his hand.

"Do not worry yourself, Sir Fred," said Sir James, taking the outstretched hand into his own. "I shall win the lady. You can have the banana."

Sir Fred and Sir James growled at each other slightly, then each took their seats, and a white pawn was moved forward…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James' eyes opened wide. He smiled as he remembered his dream, then chuckled slightly. As he did so, he felt something move beside him. It was Lady Lillian Evans…James shook his head. No. It was Lily.

Shit – what had he done!

He looked about him. It was pitch black, but he could still see that he and Lily were lying naked together in a bed. James looked about him for a clock. It read 4am. James looked down on Lily. She was so beautiful. Her red hair had fallen lightly across her, and her hand was rested gently on his chest.

James stroked Lily's hair back to look at her face. Lily moved slightly and her eyes fluttered slowly open. She looked up at James confusedly, then smiled. "Hello," she whispered.

"Hello," James whispered back, smiling. "Wanna guess where we are?"

Lily looked about her. "Well, since that's my clock, I'm guessing we're in my dormitory."

"I'd better go then." James shifted her off him, but Lily drew herself up for a quick goodbye kiss, that lasted longer than each had thought it would. James snuggled down next to Lily once more, and drew away slightly just to add, "Well, I think I can stay a little longer."

An hour later, when Lily had fallen back to sleep, James quietly got up and got dressed. He kissed her on her forehead. "Goodnight, my Lady Lillian."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Well. You look happy." Remus looked suspicious. "Why are you happy?"

James laughed. "Well why not? Hey, it's a short life, so we've gotta live it, haven't we?" James hummed to himself, then stopped seeing his friend's expression. "Look, will you stop that? Can't you be happy that I'm happy? Everything anyone does is suspicious now isn't it?"

Remus laughed. "Look, I'm sorry, but you have been pretty miserable for the last couple of weeks. There must have been something to bring on this happiness so suddenly."

"Well, I don't know, ok?" James lied. He smirked to himself, glad to have a happy secret. "I guess it's just Christmas. Oh yeah, Christmas, I forgot!" James jumped up and down like a girl.

Remus laughed again. "Alright, alright, I'm sorry, ok? No need to go all girlie on me!"

James smiled contempt.

"Transfiguration next, right?" 

James cocked his head to one side. "Yeah," he answered, thinking. I sit next to Lily in that lesson. Hmm. Freddie's in that lesson. Oh dear. James stopped walking.

Remus looked back on him. "What?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing." James wondered – what was going to happen next?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James walked in and spotted his familiar seat across the room, with a very nervous Lily sitting there. He walked over to her and dropped his books down next to her, making Lily jump. He sat down. "No need to get all jumpy," James whispered.

He eyed Freddie and they waved to one another. Then Freddie blew a kiss at Lily and looked back down at his books.

Lily looked at James worriedly, and James nearly reached to take her hand in comfort, but stopped and took it back again. "Look, don't worry, ok?" he whispered.

"But what if he finds out? I told you, I don't wanna hurt him," Lily mumbled.

"Listen, Lils, you'll have to confront him sooner or later, and eventually, you are gonna have to decide. Who do you want more: me or him?" James looked into Lily's eyes seriously.

"You know I want you, but…"

"Fine. Then dump him."

Lily looked pained. "James, you know I can't just dump him…"

James was about to whisper something back, when: "Mr. Potter, Miss. Evans. Anything you'd like to share?" McGonagall looked down on the two whispering heads. They drew apart and mumbled, "No, professor," and, "Sorry, professor."

McGonagall  nodded her head and smiled. "Right. Then save your little secrets until after class." McGonagall began to walk back to her desk. "Right now, we study transfiguration."

Freddie looked over at James and Lily curiously, but neither met his eyes.  


  


~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

  
 

Later James and Sirius were walking over to the quidditch pitch for a quick practise. There was a game against the new and improved Ravenclaw, and they wanted to make sure they won.

"So. Remus tells me that you're happy. Is it actually true??"

James grinned stupidly. "For Christ's sake…is no one allowed to be happy anymore?"

Sirius just shook his head. "Any time you wanna tell me what's going on…"

"Shove off." James laughed. "There always has to be something 'going on' with me doesn't there? I'm just happy it's nearly Christmas, ok?"

They arrived at the quidditchpitch and James flew immediately into the air. "Hey, what about the balls?" Sirius called out to him.

"Never mind that – just fly!" shouted James. He sped flew the air, twisting and turning as fast as he could.

"Show off!" called Sirius, racing after him. "Watch this then…" Sirius did a double hoopla followed by a twist. James did the same and chased after Sirius, trying to bump his broom.

After an hour or so, they stopped. It was getting dark, and they'd missed dinner. "I'm starving!" groaned Sirius, as he put his broomstick away in the broom cupboard.

James just grinned at him. "Whinger.Anyway, I'm sure you can live without _onemeal!"_

Sirius frowned at James curiously, then just grinned to himself. _Prongs will tell me when he's ready, he thought. __At least he's not moping around anymore, then they both wandered back up to the castle, side by side._

  



	9. If Things Are Meant To Be, They Happen

James pressed up against Lily hard, kissing her hungrily on the lips. He ran his hands through her hair. Her soft, soft hair. He drew back quickly for air, then went back against her again. Lily lifted her head slightly, and banged it on the wall.

"Ow!" Lily rubbed her head.

"Oh, are you ok?" asked James anxiously.

Lily suddenly grinned. "Never better."

"I don't believe that for one…" Lily kissed James again, passionately. James drew back and grinned. "Never mind," he said, and kissed her again.

Suddenly Lily glanced at her watch and pulled apart quickly. "Shit!" she exclaimed.

"What, what?" asked James, as she grabbed her bag.

"We're late for transfiguration – again!" 

"Oh shit!" said James, and grabbed his own stuff, following Lily out of the cupboard, as they ran urgently. McGonagall had warned them that if they were late again, she'd take house points off. They were head boy and head girl – they were supposed to be setting an example for the rest of the _school._

James was beginning to get worried – they were acting suspiciously, always arriving at certain lessons late, together. He just hoped to all hopes that Freddie wouldn't find out.

Lily opened the door to transfiguration and poked her head round. McGonagall looked at her in amusement. "I hope that Mr. Potter… ah yes." James wandered in after Lily. "Good. I was beginning to worry I'd have to send out a search party for you two."

The way McGonagall had said "you two" got James worried. He glanced quickly at Freddie, who frowned slightly, then James followed Lily to their usual two desks at the back.

"No points will be taken off – this time. I understand you have a good reason to be late." James frowned, but McGonagall's eyes just twinkled at him secretly. "Mr. Potter, if you could stay behind at the end? Professor Dumbledore shall be by – he wishes to speak with you."

"Um, sure…I mean, yes, professor."

McGonagall nodded in approvement then sat back down at her desk. Lily raised her eyebrows at James, but he just shrugged.

"See you later," James mumbled to Lily as she walked out of the room. She squeezed his hand in support and left. Painfully for James, catching up with Freddie as she did.****

 "Professor?" James asked uncertainly, as he walked up to McGonagall's desk. "You wanted to talk to me?"

James could tell that McGonagall was trying her hardest to seem cruel, but in the end she gave up and half-smiled. "Don't be late again, potter," was all she said.

James waited for more, and when there was none, he said, "Can I go now?"

"If you don't mind, I'd like a quick word first of all." McGonagall stood and James turned round. Dumbledore was standing in the doorway. The two professors acknowledged each other, and then McGonagall quickly left the room.

"Ah yes, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore twinkled at James and sat on the edge of his desk. "I wished to talk to you about yourself and Miss Evans…" James gulped. "I do hope you don't mind my saying, but I noticed your rivalry between you two has somewhat…vanished."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say it was rivalry, professor…"

"And yet you did enjoy each other's anger and humiliation, did you not?"

James smiled, amused at Dumbledore's tactics. "I suppose you could say that, professor."

"I hope you didn't think that myself and Professor McGonagall hadn't noticed your late arrivals with each other?"

James gulped slightly. "Yeah, sorry about that professor. There…there's a lot of work to do, as head boy and head girl…"

"Ah yes, I had quite forgotten about that." Dumbledore rose to his feet and moved his head up close to James' ear. "I also noticed there was quite a lot of hand holding between you two when perhaps you thought no one was around." Dumbledore turned and walked back to his desk. James blushed, but tried to get rid of it before he turned around again.

Dumbledore sat down. "Is my hearing getting old or am I right in assuming that Lily and Frederick are…I don't know what you call it these days…_seeing each other?"  
  
  
_

James hesitated. "I…I guess," he said sadly.

"Do not worry yourself, Mr. Potter. If things are meant to be, they happen; in the course of a lifetime, they will happen. Trust me."

James nodded uncertainly, and moved away to the door assuming that their conversation had been ended. "Oh, James?" Dumbledore called out. James tuned round curiously. Dumbledore had called him by his first name for the first time in their conversation. "Do be careful, won't you?" James nodded. "I've seen what happens when young hearts are broken. Especially ones as strong as your and young Lily's."

James frowned slightly at Dumbledore's words, then nodded slowly, and exited the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Sirius, can I talk to you?" James said flinging his bag down in the common room and striding quickly over to Sirius.

"Later, mate. I'm playing chess…" Sirius was just about to move his pawn when James grabbed him by the arm and pulled him up.

"Hey!" protested Remus. "We had a bet going there!"

"Well then, I guess you win, don't you Remus?" said James.

Remus looked confused, but then slowly grinned. "Fine with me."

Sirius mumbled in protest, but followed James up to their dormitory anyway.

"What's so important that you would make me lose my Godric Griffindor card? I only had one of them!" Sirius frowned and sat down on his bed.

James paced up and down the room, scratching his head. Sirius' eyes followed him. "Ohhh…" he said, slowly understanding. "Is this gonna be the friend asking a friends advice thing?" Sirius stood up. "Because you know I suck at this, don't you? Why don't you go ask Remus?"

James said nothing, and continued pacing. Eventually he stopped and sat down on the edge of the bed opposite Sirius'.

"Ok. You remember when you were going out with Lucy?" Sirius frowned as he tried to remember her through his long list. Suddenly his face lit up. "Oh yeah. I remember her." Sirius sat back down. "Why?"

James ignored the question. "But do you remember that she had a boyfriend?"

Sirius' face un-brightened. "Oh yeah. Thanks for reminding me."

"Well, do you think she should've told her boyfriend about you straight away."

"Yeah. 'Cause then she would've chosen me!" chuckled Sirius. "Yeah. I was gonna tell him myself, but she begged me not to. I was gonna break it with her anyway by the time she did. It got annoying having to sneak around all the time."

James frowned. "Did anyone guess about you two?"

Sirius laughed. "In case you've completely forgotten the whole school did! It was only a few weeks before word spread and she broke up with me!"

James frowned then smiled. "Oh yeah. How could I have forgotten." His face suddenly became worried. "So, the whole school found out within a few weeks…" he said quietly.

"Uh yeah. You know what Hogwarts is like – there are no secrets here! …Listen, is this going anywhere?"

James bit his lip. "No, thanks anyway." He stood up to leave the room.

"Oi!" Sirius shouted after him. "You not gonna tell me what this is about?"

"Nope. See you later!" And with that James walked out of the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "I think we should pin him down and threaten to beat him till he screams like a girl…" 

_"What?!"___

_"Only joking, only joking…"_

_"Yeah, well, for once I'm being serious, Wormtail."_

_"No way.__ You, serious? You're like a freaking circus act most of the time."_

_"Shut up Moony. What should we do?"_

_"Nothing."___

_"Nothing?__ We can't do nothing!"_

_"You know, actually, I think he's probably right."_

_"Thank you. If Prongs needs us, he'll tell us what the hell is going on. If not, then it's nothing to do with us, is it?"_

_"…I still like the pinning down thing…"_

_"Wormtail!"___


	10. Christmas

"Christmas! Finally!" James punched his hand in the air. He breathed out and watched as the thick air from his mouth floated through the air and disappeared.

Remus laughed. "I don't think he's ever been _this excited about Christmas before!" he said, nudging Peter in the ribs._

"I know, it's a bit scary!" agreed Peter.

James saw a rather excellent pile of snow on the ground and raised his eyes suggestively at Remus. Remus started backing away. "Oh no – I refuse – last time you got a bit in my eye and…" Remus didn't get a chance to finish. From behind a big thud of snow landed into his head. "Hey!" he protested, turning round. It was Snape and Malfoy, grinning.

James and Sirius raised their eyebrows at each other then all four of them brought out from behind their backs big balls of snow. Malfoy and Snape were about to run away, when the snow hit them both in the face. Soon snow was flying everywhere. _Magical snowballs!_

Peter laughed and turned round. "Oh, hey Lily," he said, seeing his friend walk towards him.

"Lily?" When James was turned round, he was knocked by a snowball and staggered slightly, only to be caught by Lily herself.

"Oh, thanks," James mumbled, then seeing Lily's eyes, he gulped nervously. "Hi…" he whispered.

Lily gazed back. She didn't smile but her eyes twinkled at him merrily. "Hi," she whispered back.

After a while, James realised that lily's arms were still around him, and pulled off coughing. "Um…what are you doing here?"

Lily shrugged. "I was just walking and I saw my favourite boys playing with snow. Thought I'd wander over."

Sirius walked up to Lily and offered her a snowball. "Fancy one?" he asked cheekily.

Lily laughed. "Love to but…no!" She glanced at James. "See you."

"Yeah, see ya later Lils."

James grinned, then absent-mindedly threw a snowball in Sirius' face, almost making him blind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Tis not goodbye, tis only farewell," said James, pretending to weep as he clung onto Lindsay's arms.

"Um…there, there, James…uh…will someone get this guy off me?"

James laughed. "Merry Christmas, Lindsay."

"Merry Christmas, James." Lindsay turned to walk off to the station. She turned back. "Oh, and I apologise now for your present. See ya!" She walked off leaving James feeling confused.

He walked to the Great Hall to find the rest of the Marauders. 

"All packed and ready to go?" he said finding Sirius saying his goodbyes to a few people.

"Yep." Sirius turned lugging his heavy suitcase. 

"You really need to learn how to bring less, Sirius!"

"We do live here you know! These are my only belongings in the world!"

James laughed. "Yeah. Apart from your room at home with all you _other stuff in it."_

"Merry Christmas Prongs," said Sirius, deciding to drop the subject.

"Merry Christmas Padfoot." James patted his long-time friend on the back heartily. "Have Remus and Peter gone on?"

"Yeah, they told me to say bye to you and they'll miss you with all their heart blah blah blah."

James grinned. It was only gonna be a few weeks, but he was really gonna miss Sirius. He didn't say so though.

He waved at him as Sirius exited the Great Hall. James looked around at the few people staying. He spotted Lily and walked over calmly. He sat down opposite her. "Hello."

"Hello."

Silence. Their being together was getting harder, and James could begin to see the strain Lily was carrying.

"Freddy not joining us?"

"No, he's spending Christmas with his dying gran." Lily didn't look sympathetic. More annoyed. "What am I going to do, James?" she said in more hushed tones. "I can't dump him now that his gran's dying. And she'll be dead when he comes back probably. That's an even worse time to end it with him. And it's Christmas!" Lily rested her head in her hand and banged her elbow down on the table.

"You sure it's me you'd be happier with?" James whispered.

Lily looked at him lopsidedly. "With all my heart," she said seriously.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The week leading up to Christmas was the best week of James' life. With Lily by his side, and hardly any need for secrecy, there was nothing for him to worry about. They went for walks around the gardens, trips to Hogsmede for last minute Christmas shopping, and sometimes, they just lay around the dormitories, talking. James loved it.

"Merry Christmas, James!" Lily pulled back James' curtains, blinding him by sunlight.

James' covered his eyes. "Morning Lily…" he said yawning. "Christmas already, is it?" he grinned and pulled her in for a kiss. "Merry Christmas."

They opened their presents eagerly, sitting on James' bed. James laughed out loud when he opened Lindsay's  present. She was right to apologise for it. It was some soap. "I think I get the hint!" James laughed. 

Next he opened a present labelled the Marauders. He ripped apart the wrapping paper and gazed in awe at the contents. It was an invisibility cloak! "What's that?" asked muggle-born Lily.

"It's an invisibility cloak…" James mumbled, lost for words. "I can't believe it. How on earth could they afford this?!"

Lily didn't seem very excited. "So…what, you put it on and you become invisible?"

James said nothing. Lily didn't know how rare and expensive these were. "So that explains all the other crappy presents I've been getting all these years – they must have been saving up…"

James was still speechless, so Lily poked him. "Open up my present."

"Huh? Sorry – yeah." James reluctantly placed the invisibility cloak on the bed, and tore his eyes away to look at the reindeer-wrapping paper box that Lily had handed to him. "Merry Christmas!" she said.

James ripped the wrapping paper off. "That took me ages to wrap," Lily sighed.

It was chain with a little heart on it. James opened up the heart, and inside was a picture of him and Lily. James smiled as the picture James grinned happily and kissed Lily.

"I know it's a bit girlie, but I thought you'd like it…" started Lily, thinking he was laughing at it.

"I love it!" James said, kissing his Lily.

Lily grinned happily. "Where's my present then?" she asked.

James handed it over nervously. "Now, it's not what you think," he said quickly.

Lily raised her eyebrows, then opened it. It was a small little bow and inside was a ring. It was a silver ring with a pure diamond heart on it. Lily gazed at it. "Oh, it's beautiful!" she said quietly.

James got the ring out of the box and placed it on Lily's finger. "Lily?" he asked, getting down on one knee. Lily gasped. "Will you…be my girlfriend and dump Freddie?"

Lily laughed with relief. "I thought you were going to ask me to marry you then!"

James grinned. "That was the general idea!" Then his face became serious. "Will you?"

Lily sighed. "I'll try."

"Not good enough." James got up and sat on the bed next to Lily. "This past week has been amazing – not having to sneak around all that much. I don't wanna go back to all that secrecy again as soon as Freddie gets here." James sighed. "Look, Freddie's a mate. I'm secretly snogging his girlfriend – what would he think of me if he found out?"

Lily smiled wryly. "Ok. I'll dump him. But…just give me a little bit longer – ok?"

James smiled. "That'll have to do." They kissed.

a/n: big apologies for crappy chapter. Hope you enjoyed it anyway!


	11. Lord Voldemort

James walked through the snow and examined his feet. He was wearing thick brown man-like boots that his mum had sent for him for Christmas. James breathed out and stopped walking. He looked up at the sky. It was still dark, but he could see a very faint tinge of light just beginning to creep over the distant hills. James missed his mother. He had been meaning to go home that Christmas, but Lily…

The stars were beginning to fade. One thought that always cheered James up slightly was the knowledge that the stars were always there. Whether he could see them or not.

James walked over to a familiar stump near the forbidden forest and sat down on it. He slumped his head down and sighed. Life was cruel. What should he do about Lily? James brought his head back up and rubbed his hands together. Well, whatever he was going to do… No. James shook his head. There was nothing he could do. He loved Lily with all his heart. He loved her more than anything. But obviously, she didn't quite feel the same. James knew that he and Lily were supposed to happen. Like Dumbledore had said…

James frowned suddenly and his hands stopped rubbing each other abruptly. Dumbledore… There was something in the way that he had spoken to James that made him suspicious.

A star twinkled down on James and made him look up. It was the last star in the sky, and James realised that he must have been sitting on that stump for quite a long time. James stood up and breathed into his hands, rubbing them together. It was cold. It was snowing.

James smiled as he realised this. He breathed out and watched as smoke from his mouth quickly evaporated into the cold air. He was going to go see Dumbledore.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James stopped at the statue. Damn it – he'd forgotten. He had to know the password. But he didn't know what it was.

James had been to Dumbledore's office several times before, but that was always with Sirius, Remus and Peter (for obvious pranking reasons) and then McGonagall had always opened the statue, whispering the password out of earshot.

James smiled softly. They didn't do pranks all that much anymore, now that they were older, but James was surprised they'd never thought of finding out the password to Dumbledore's office before. It would've lead to great pranking success.

But James had always had a sort of strange respect for Dumbledore. An admiration of some sort. He knew why of course. He was the closest man he had to a father. 

James shook these thoughts away and said aloud the first word that came to mind. "Hogwarts." Nothing happened. _Well of course nothing happened, that's a bit too obvious for a password, don't you think James?"_

"Dumbledore."

Nothing.

"Albus Dumbledore."

Nothing.

"Hi, I'm Albus."

Nothing.

_Don't be stupid, James. It will be a one-word password, wouldn't it?_

James tried out loads of words, and he nearly kicked the statue in anger when a thought struck him. "Bertie-Botts Every Flavoured Beans." It worked. It wasn't a one-word password, but it worked. James knew of Dumbledore's famous hatred of the sweets, so it would be an obvious choice of a password.

James reached Dumbledore's office, took a deep breath in, and knocked on the door. "Come in," called a voice.

James pushed the door open slowly and popped his head round. Dumbledore and McGonagall were sitting at Dumbledore's desk. They seemed to have been in deep conversation. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at James' appearance and leaned back on his chair, folding his hands together. "James," was all he said.

McGonagall seemed to be avoiding James' eye, which made him frown slightly. "Sorry, is…is this a bad time?" James looked back at Dumbledore.

"No, no, not at all." McGonagall looked at him sharply, contradicting him without words. "In fact the time couldn't be more better."

James sidled in, knowing something was going on. He sat down on a chair, and could feel the tension going on between the two professors sitting in front of him. They had obviously been arguing about something. McGonagall stood up to leave. Dumbledore stood up. "Professor?" was all he said.

"I must leave," McGonagall said shortly. "I have certain things to attend to." As she walked past James she stopped slightly, and finally met with his eyes. And what James saw scared him. It was a look of sadness. Of pity and sorrow. James frowned and his eyes followed McGonagall out of the room. She closed the door behind her, breaking James' gaze, and he turned his attention back to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore smiled kindly. "Nothing to worry about James," he said, reading his mind. "Now, what's troubling you?"

James didn't know where to begin. He felt kind of stupid now, coming here. "I…" he hesitated, and stopped. He looked away.

"Is this about Miss Evans?" James didn't blush. He continued to stare at the bookcase and simply nodded.

"I thought as much." Dumbledore shifted in his seat, but said nothing more. James and Dumbledore sat in silence while each collected their thoughts.

James broke the silence. "I know it's meant to be, professor! I know it…but she's with Freddie, and…"

"James, you must understand." Dumbledore leaned forward in his seat. "Do you remember what I said to you before Christmas"

James nodded.

"If you believe in something as strongly as you belief in yourself and Miss Evans, then you must be patient. Things will happen if they were meant to happen. And if they weren't meant to happen…" Dumbledore paused.

"I understand." James knew what he was saying, and he was about to go, when he sensed there was more. James waited patiently in his seat, waiting for Dumbledore to speak.

"James." Dumbledore paused anger, and James saw sadness in his eyes. It was the same sadness he had seen in McGonagall's eyes.

"Professor, what's going on?" James wasn't usually so forceful with the headmaster, but today the force was so strong in his voice he even scared himself. But something was wrong. And it involved him. And maybe Lily too…

"James," Dumbledore said again. "There is something I feel you should have the right to know."

"What is it?" James leaned forward in his chair.

Dumbledore hesitated. "Have you heard of a man called Tom Riddle?" James frowned. "Or perhaps… Voldemort?" James gulped. Voldemort was an evil wizard, and his name had recently come up in the papers. He had murdered over ten people in one night. That man was dangerous. He called himself Lord Voldemort, but James didn't know why.

"Yeah, I've heard of him. Why? What's that got to do with me?"

Dumbledore looked down at his desk, then rose up his eyes to meet James. When he spoke, he spoke bluntly. "He wants you dead." James' eyes widened in horror.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I am an evil giraffe…*looks around. What? No one here heard of Eddie Izzard?*

Apologies for the cliff-hanger, but you know you love them! R&R and maybe I'll consider writing more… MWAHAHA! :-P


	12. A Decision

James blinked. Then he blinked again. After getting over the shock of Dumbledore's choice of words, he realised what he had just said. That is, his brain did, but his mind didn't.

"…What?" James said.

Dumbledore sighed and looked deeply into James' eyes. "…What?" James repeated again. He couldn't believe it.

"The Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort, Tom Riddle…wants you dead." Dumbledore rose to his feet and walked across the room to the window, and stared out of it.

James just continued staring at where Dumbledore had been sitting. _…Voldemort…wants me dead? But why? How… What? James was still slightly confused. For starters, how did Voldemort even know who he was?_

After a few minutes, when Dumbledore thought that maybe James had managed to understand, he came back to his desk and sat down. James slunk down in his chair, and didn't meet Dumbledore's eyes, just stared numbly at his desk, while saying, "But…why?"

Dumbledore took a deep breath and put his hands together seriously. "First of all, James, I want you to know that you are in no immediate danger, but, of course, we will have to take precautions…"

"Why?" James pulled his eyes up and stared straight at Dumbledore.

Dumbledore sighed again and said nothing for a few minutes. Finally, he spoke. "James, did you know that Voldemort's wife was very strong in divination?" James said nothing. "Wife. Yes. Voldemort had a wife. Before he killed her." James' eyes shot up in alarm. Voldemort had killed his own wife? Dumbledore nodded and continued. "Yes. One day, so I've heard, she prophesised a child. A very young boy, who would be the certain death of her own husband. Voldemort started panicking and screamed at her to tell him whose child. Whose was it going to be?" Dumbledore looked at James over his half-moon spectacles. "Yours."

"But, I don't have a child," James said thickly.

Dumbledore smiled wryly. "Yes, but you will have. As soon as Voldemort's wife had mumbled your name, he killed her, out of panic and fury. It is true, James; it was written in the stars." James realised his mouth was hanging open, and quickly shut it.

Then a thought struck him. Through the whole _"Voldemort wants to kill me" thing, James still managed to think of one person. "Do the stars happen to say who the mother will be?" James asked, choosing his words carefully._

"No, no they don't as a matter of fact." Dumbledore got serious again. "Voldemort knows you are the sperm, but doesn't yet know who is the egg." James blushed slightly. Why was Dumbledore talking so bluntly about this? He assumed it was because Dumbledore wanted it to fully sink in what was happening.

"So…if I die…this, this kid…he won't be able to live and kill Voldemort and…and stuff?" Dumbledore smiled and nodded. James frowned. "Ok."

They sat in silence for a moment, and James, who had been getting right to the edge of his seat, sunk back again. "Do you think it will be Lily?" he asked quietly.

Dumbledore smiled. "I was wondering whether you'd get to that or not, James. Well, it's a definite possibility, yes."

Something came to James. "Is this what you and McGonagall were arguing about."

Something flashed in Dumbledore's eyes, and James suddenly wished he hadn't asked. Dumbledore hesitated then said, "Yes. Yes it was. She didn't think I should tell you; I thought you had the right to know, and, for you own safety, you need to know."

James wasn't quite sure whether he was telling the whole truth or not. "So, now I know." He paused. "Say the mum is going to be Lily…what if Voldemort finds out?"

"Then he will almost definitely want to kill her."

"So…"

Dumbledore quickly interrupted him. "For now, do whatever you think is best, James. But whatever you do, think of the safety of yourself and Miss Evans. And you must remember that you and someone, more than likely to be Miss Evans, will have a child together; unless Voldemort can intervene somehow… So whatever you do, be careful." James stood up to go. Dumbledore stood up also. "Tell only who you must. Remember, there are many spies of Voldemort." Dumbledore rested a hand James' shoulder. James nodded and took the hand in his own. It was a strange gesture, but both James and Dumbledore understood by it.

James walked out of the room and a flood of emotions almost drowned him: terror, confusion…and love… 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Lily…" James walked over to her. Lily smiled happily and ran over.

"The others are getting back today. We must use these precious last few moments carefully…" Lily grinned at James suggestively, and it was all James could do to grin back…

James and Lily were cuddled up on a chair by the fire. Lily had fallen asleep, and James brushed her hair away from his eyes. He had been thinking about what Dumbledore had said for the past hour or so. And he was certain on what he had to do. He had to break up with Lily. For her own safety. If Voldemort found out and killed her…James would never forgive himself.

But one thing he had wondered about…what if the break up caused more havoc than them being involved did?

James sighed and rubbed his face wearily. He stared at Lily for ages. He still couldn't get over how he had ever thought that Kelly was prettier than Lily. He loved her so much his heart ached. James picked up Lily easily, amazed at how light she was, and carried her up the stairs to her dormitory. He kicked her door open and carried her over to a bed; he couldn't remember which one was hers. He stroked Lily's hair and looked into her eyes, then kissed her on the cheek and walked out of the room, in pain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James smiled and looked over as the boys walked in to Griffindor common room. He was glad they were back.

Sirius first, then Freddie (James gulped), then Remus, then, last as always, Peter, struggling with an even larger case than he had left with.

Peter saw James looking and blushed. "It was my mum. She insisted I needed extra jumpers."

James just laughed and patted him on the back. "Good to have you back," was all he said.

Sirius and Remus grinned. "How was your Christmas, Prongs?" asked Remus.

Before James had a chance to answer, Freddie cut in. "Where's Lily?" he asked.

James closed his eyes painfully, but quickly opened them again. "Lily? Oh, she's up in her dormitory. She's sleeping."

Freddie grinned. "I'll go and surprise her then." He walked over to the stairs, but James held out his arm in front of Freddie.

"I told you," James said more forcefully than he had meant to. "She's sleeping."

The whole room's eyes stared at him curiously. "She's had a rough day," he added quickly, reeling back his arm. "Said she didn't sleep well last night."

Freddie looked suspicious, but simply shrugged. "Ok, I'll see her when she wakes then." He walked off to his own dormitory with Peter, carrying their bags between them.

James watched them go, just to check, then turned back to Remus and Sirius. He smiled…his smile faded.

The boys were eyeing him. "What?" James asked defensively.

"Nothing. How was your Christmas?"

James let it drop. He was too tired to care. "It was great. Oh, the cloak was great! How did you pay for it?"

Remus and Sirius grinned at each other. "We have our ways," answered Remus.

"Yeah, well your ways are usually my ways!" laughed James. He forgot about humility and suddenly didn't care. He walked straight over to Remus and Sirius, grinning, and patted Sirius on the back. "I missed you guys."

"We missed you too," said Sirius. His grin faded. "You going to tell us what's going on, Prongs?"

James sighed and sat down on a chair wearily.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus was staring into the fire, with no expression and all, and Sirius was frowning at something interesting in his hand. James leaned back worriedly. He'd just finished telling them everything. Everything with Lily, Dumbledore…and Voldemort.

Sirius leaned forwards and put his hands together. "Are you going to tell her?"

James sighed. He didn't need to ask who. "I don't know. I don't wanna worry her. I don't want her to start panicking or anything…"

"You don't tell her and everything else that comes out of your mouth will be a lie," Remus said seriously.

"I know! But I've got to break it up with her…if I just tell her, she might try to persuade me not to. She wouldn't understand the danger."

They sat in silence a moment. "When you gonna do it?" Sirius leaned back again.

"I don't know. Soon. It has to be soon."

"Prongs, look mate, are you sure this is the right thing to do?" Remus said.

"Do you think I haven't thought about this?" asked James angrily.

"No. I don't think you have." James was slightly taken back by this. "Prongs, you were only just told this morning that Voldemort was after your blood…of course you're going to immediately think, 'Mustn't tell Lily. Got to dump her. However hard it is.' James, you think you're so good at hiding it, but your not. We saw the pain you went through every day when you weren't with that girl."

James frowned. "You knew."

"We guessed!" said Remus.

"Moony's right," said Sirius agreeing. "This is a very bad situation right now. You don't have to be a hero James. Tell her. Let her share the fear…"

"I can't!" James stood up angrily. "Don't you see? If she knows, she'll be scared. As bloody scared as I am right now, and maybe even more so. Fear leads to pain. If Lily's in pain because of me…it'll only be even more pain for me. I can't do that…I can't…"

Sirius stood up. "James, if you dump her for no reason, she'll be hurt anyway."

James looked from Sirius to Remus, then back again. "No. She won't be _as hurt. I love Lily so much. I love her so much it hurts." He paused. "But I don't think she feels the same." Silence. Sirius could see the pain in his friend's eye. …But there was nothing he could do about it._

Sirius and Remus gave in. Maybe their pal Prongs was right. "If you're gonna do it, it better be tonight," Remus said, standing. "Otherwise you won't be able to make yourself."

James took a deep breath. "Ok. You'll have to keep Freddie busy. It's his first night back. He's bound to want to spend it with Lily."

Sirius nodded. "We'll find a way. Go lie down. Sleep, write in you **_diary," James smiled, "stare at the ceiling, whatever. Just go rest." James nodded and walked away wearily. _**


	13. The Breakup

"Lily, I'm sorry, but I've got to break up with you. It's not you, it's me…" James stopped realising the truth in the sentence he had just muttered. "No, that's used too much. Lily, I'm really sorry, but we can't be together anymore. It's not fair on Freddie and…" James stopped again and breathed in. "Lily, we'd be better off as friends, I know we would. I do love you, but…" _But indeed, James thought to himself. "Lily, I've got to break up with you because of a stupid prophecy that Voldemort found out about. If he finds out we're secretly seeing each other, he'll kill you? Sorry, I hope you understand."_

James kicked the side of his bed angrily. He knew there would be no easy way to do what he was about to do. But he also knew that he had to do it. He glanced at his watch. It was 8:59pm. He was meeting Lily in the common room at 9pm. Everyone else would probably be in bed, James knew. Perfect.

James wondered down the stairs and into the common room. Lily was sitting in front of the fire smiling to herself. She started to laugh.

James frowned and wondered over. "What's so funny?" he asked grinning down on her from behind, making her jump.

"James!" Lily exclaimed. She breathed in and out, and then smiled. "Hi baby," she went to wrap her arms around him, but James moved away.

"What were you laughing about?" he asked, trying his hardest to sound normal.

"Oh, nothing…" Lily said unconvincingly. "I was just thinking about stuff."

James nodded and let it drop. "So," Lily continued. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

James sat down on a wooden chair and Lily perched herself at the edge of the table, looking more stunning and beautiful than ever before. James gulped. "Um…" he looked away and closed his eyes. He'd never be able to do it looking at her.

"I…I'm…I mean…we've got to stop seeing each other," he said finally.

Although he wasn't looking at Lily, he could still hear the surprise in her gasp, and could just imagine the shock on her face. "What? Why? If it's to do with Freddie…"

"It's not Freddie." James opened his eyes and stared hard at the floor.  "We've just got to stop seeing each other. That's all. Ok?"

"No, it's not ok." James' heart ached as he could hear the sadness and desperation in Lily's voice. "James, I…I love you…"

James shook his head. "I'm sorry, I just don't love you." James felt like crying just as he was saying the words. "I don't love you," he repeated quietly. Lily seemed to be stunned into silence. He could see her standing up out of the corner of his eye.

"James, look at me." Lily grabbed James by his hands and dragged him to his feet. He stood up reluctantly, but refused to meet her loving eyes. "Look at me," Lily repeated. "Look at me and tell me that you don't love me. That you don't want us to be together."

James slowly brought his eyes up to meet Lily's. Usually they were a deep green, but now they seemed so pale and…frightened. James gulped and closed his eyes. Then he opened them, and tried to imagine Kelly standing there instead of Lily. "I don't love you," James said again. Lily dropped his hands and took a step back, tears swelling up to her eyes. "I'm sorry…"

"Sorry? What the hell has this past month been about if you have no feelings for me?" Lily asked angrily, her voice loud enough for people up in the dormitories to hear.

James looked up there anxiously. Freddie was up in the dormitories, under close guard from Sirius, Remus and Peter. He wondered how long they'd be able to keep him up there.

"Lily, listen to me…"

"No, you listen. I love you…" Lily faltered, broke down, and began to cry. She sunk to the ground onto her knees and put her head in her hands. No one James had ever dumped had been this upset before. But James knew exactly how she felt. He turned and looked away. He didn't wanna see Lily like this. He couldn't; it was too painful.

"I went behind my boyfriend's back for you," Lily added in between sobs.

"Yeah, but you wouldn't dump him for me, would you?"

Lily stood up suddenly. "You wouldn't have cared even if I had dumped him!" James heard a noise at the door of a dormitory. He squeezed him fists together tightly, hoping that Sirius could keep Freddie up there. "I love you more than you know James Potter." Lily breathed in heavily. "I would die for you…" she whispered.

James blinked. _Huh? said his mind. He hadn't before thought about the possibility that maybe Lily Evans loved him as much as he loved her. His brain couldn't process this. "…What?" he asked quietly._

Lily took in a deep breath, but said nothing. James blinked again. This changed everything…

_No! No, it doesn't change anything. James – you're doing this for her sake. If you don't dump her she could die._

James closed his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again. "It's not fair on you, it's not fair on Freddie…"

"What's not fair on me?" James eyes whipped open and he turned to see a very suspicious Freddie standing at the bottom of the stairs, with very sorry-looking marauders behind him.

He looked at Lily, and saw she was turned away from Freddie, desperately trying to wipe her eyes before he saw her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Did you tell him?"

Dumbledore nodded wearily. "He had the right to know."

Arabella paced around Dumbledore's office. "Albus, I know the boy's strong, but are you really sure that this was the right thing to do?"

"I'm sure of it, Arabella." Dumbledore sat down at his chair. "If James didn't know, and he and Lily both died, I would never forgive myself."

Arabella sat down in front of Dumbledore's desk. "Yes, but what if he does something stupid? Like, end it with Lily or something?"

"It doesn't matter if he 'ends it with her' as you call it, they will still have a child together. I told you before; in the prophecy, it says that the only thing that might go wrong is if Voldemort himself interferes."

Arabella drummed her fingers on the wooden desk. "Does James know it's Lily? Better yet, does _Lily know it's Lily?"_

Dumbledore shook his head gently. "Of the latter, I do not know. That is up to James himself. And no, James does not know it's Lily. All he knows is that it could be, and the boy loves her too much to take the risk of Voldemort hurting her. I could see it in his eyes. He will surely finish with her."

"What can we do?" Arabella asked. "There must be something we can do?"

"We cannot interfere between James and Lily. All we can do is ensure James' safety."

Arabella nodded and stood up. "You want me to look after him for a while?"

"Yes. Please. But in secrecy. James is a good wizard, one of the best; but I don't think he'd be very happy if he knew a cat was acting as his bodyguard."

Arabella simply smiled, transformed into her wild-cat animagus, and walked out of the already open door.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Uh…is there something going on here that I should know about?" Freddie looked between James and Lily.

"'Course not," Sirius said, taking a step forward. "They were just talking. Look, are we gonna go back upstairs and finish the game or are you giving up and letting me win?"

James almost smiled at Sirius' clever tactics, but his joy faded as soon as Freddie spoke. "No, you win," Freddie said slowly, moving over to Lily.

Lily turned to face her boyfriend, eyes now fully ok. Well, not fully, but they'd do. Freddie knew that Lily had a slight cold. "Hey you," she said seductively, wrapping her arms around Freddie. James gulped. She had done that to him earlier. And he'd loved being so close to her. He was about to move forward instinctively, to pull Freddie away from her, but a calm hand placed itself on James shoulder. He turned to see Remus giving him a severe warning look.

Lily kissed Freddie hard, and James turned away. He knew it was mostly for his benefit. And he hated what Lily was doing to him. He turned away. "Right, I'm tired," he announced. "I think I'm gonna just go to bed."

"Right, night James," said Peter, helping to try get his buddy out of there. Earlier on, Sirius and Remus had filled him in with the situation.

James turned to the stairs, but was stopped. Freddie broke away from Lily and shouted to him. "Wait a minute Potter, we're not done here."

James turned and raised an eyebrow. "Uh…why not?" he asked, trying to hide any fear in his face.

Freddie walked right up to James, frowning. They were roughly the same height; James was a _tiny bit bigger, but not enough so that it would give him the advantage if it came to a fight. Freddie looked right into James' eyes, looking for any signs of hesitation or fear. "I dunno. You tell me."_

"Freddie, don't be stupid," Lily called from across the room. James' eyes flickered towards her, but Freddie's didn't. "You kissed Lily didn't you?"

James said nothing. Say nothing, give nothing away, he figured.

"I know that something's been going on here, James. Just tell me the truth, and we can walk away from here. We'll never speak of it again." As hard as James tried, he couldn't help flicker his eyes towards Lily somehow. Freddie noticed it, and gripped James by the collar. "Oi! I saw that…"

James did have one advantage in this fight; he was stronger than Freddie. He pushed him off easily. "I haven't done anything!" he protested.

"I don't believe one word," Freddie said, getting louder. He looked over at Lily. She was almost shivering. "Lily, tell me the truth."

Lily bit her lip. It was enough for Freddie to guess the answer. His face went a deathly white. He turned to face James but said nothing. "Freddie, listen mate…"

Freddie drew his fist back in a flash and punched James right in his face.

James staggered back and fell against the wall. He touched his face and felt a small trickle of blood coming from his nose. He looked up and Freddie and said nothing. He wasn't going to fight back. He deserved it.

Lily had almost fainted, and Sirius rushed over to help her, while Remus and Peter hurried off to find Dumbledore. They knew if worse happened, there'd be nothing they themselves could do to stop it.

"Aren't you going to fight back?" Freddie asked angrily.

James shook his head and stood up. "No. I'm not going to fight you. This is dumb."

Freddie drew his fist back for a second time, and only hesitated slightly to hear Lily scream, "Don't!" But it was enough time. James grabbed Freddie's fist and pushed it backwards, causing Freddie to fall to the floor.

"Don't do this, Freddie. Walk away." James turned and walked up to his dormitory. Freddie didn't follow him. Instead he got his wand out. "Incantico!" James feet came off the ground, causing him to fall down the stairs, hitting the floor hard. A few 6th and 5th years had come down from the staircases to see what was happening. They all gasped in shock at the sight of James Potter (Head Boy) lying on the floor with blood trickling from his forehead.

James stood up shakily. He wouldn't fight back. Couldn't. He laughed wryly at the thought of Freddie's face if he told him there and then that Voldemort was after him. Freddie would probably back off. Be all sympathetic. James smiled. Yeah, but he couldn't tell him. And anyway, James thought that he deserved to die anyway, so he thought he'd let Freddie continue.

"What's so funny, Potter?" Freddie said frowning. "D'ya think this is a laugh?" _Compared to what Voldemort's gonna do to me when he finds me, yes, it's complete and utter bullshit! thought James._

James walked up to Freddie so their faces weren't even an inch apart. "Go on then, kill me," he said seriously.

Freddie seemed slightly surprised at these words, and frowned.

"Yes, I did kiss Lily," James went on. "I deserve to die. So kill me." James would've told Freddie that he'd _slept with Lily, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see her weeping on the floor, clutching to Sirius._

Freddie took a step back. James did as well. "So. You can't kill me. Fair enough. I wouldn't be able to kill you. So let's walk away, shall we?"

James backed off still facing Freddie, then turned and walked calmly up the stairs.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

a/n: since I took so long getting this up, I have now written two chapters (next one's pretty crappy, my apologies), so read on, dear friends.

~rowan

xxxxxxx


	14. Bullshit

a/n: Warning: big bad swearing in here – little kiddies beware…

James flew around in a daze. Nothing made sense. Lily was out of his life, and Voldemort was in it. James knew that he had messed up. Now at least, he may not die, but he and Lily wouldn't have that kid who was supposed to kill Voldemort. James hadn't spoken to Lily or Freddie since the fight. It had now been a week, and he hadn't heard any news from Dumbledore either.

James whizzed round on his broom, feeling the cold air whip past him. He had only a muggle t-shirt on, so the cold icy wind was quite painful on his skin, but he didn't care. He probably deserved every bit of pain he got.

He had handled the Lily situation really badly. He knew he had loved her; when you love people you do stupid things, but he had still handled it all really badly. First of all, he had kissed Lily behind his friend's back – you don't just kiss your friends girlfriends. You just don't. Then he had dumped her practically in front of Freddie (they could've at least gone outside to have the argument, then none of it would have happened) and ended up having a fight. A black eye and a cut lip. He didn't even have to break up with her; that was stupid. So what if Voldemort was after them? They should have handled it together. They were meant to be together…

No, James told himself firmly. They would have had to have ended it eventually. They were going behind Freddie's back anyway, despite all the Voldemort crap. James didn't think he had hated anyone so much before. Voldemort… Who was he anyway? You don't just become a dark wizard. Not just like that. 

James landed roughly on the ground, hurting his leg in the process. He walked over to the shed and put his broom away, walking back up to the castle. When he reached the doors he stopped, looking up at them. They were big doors. James turned away sighing, and sat down, leaning against the wall of the castle. He sighed again. He couldn't face anyone in there. Everyone knew about the fight; of course they knew about the fight. They'd had a whole week to gossip about it by now. Even though James hadn't talked to Dumbledore yet, he assumed that he knew about it. Oh well. James didn't think he cared anyway. All he wanted was Lily…

James stood up and cried aloud in anger. He kicked the side of the wall viciously. "You alright, mate?" James looked up. It was Sirius. James looked away and began to walk in the opposite direction, but Sirius caught up with him. "You know, you could probably break your foot doing that," Sirius pointed out.

"I don't care," muttered James.

"Well yeah, but to do that, if you really wanted to, all you have to do is position your foot correctly, turn it round a bit, and push it really hard smack into the wall and…"

"Yeah, thanks Sirius, but I don't really need tips on how to break my foot."

Sirius laughed. "If you say so, I was only trying to help."

"Oh shut up Sirius," James said, suddenly getting really angry. "All you do is joke about things. You always have a bullshit answer to everything, don't you? Well fuck you, Sirius." James continued to walk, expecting Sirius to walk off, but instead his best friend hesitated a moment, then slowly moved to catch up with him.

"Ok," he said.

James raised an eyebrow. "I don't get you. I tell you to fuck off, and all you say is 'ok'?"

"Well," Sirius started to explain, "if you really want, I'll fuck off away from you. I'll never talk to you again. The marauders will divide, Peter and me will become best friends, you and Remus will become best friends, and you'll never have to see my stupid face and listen to my 'bullshit' answers ever again." James looked to the ground and frowned. "But since I do have a bullshit answer for everything, I'm not going to fuck off, because I know you won't want me to if you really think about it. I've been your best friend for year and years; even before Hogwarts. I've been here for every one of your bullshits, and I haven't told you to fuck off. And if you really think about it, you'll come to realise that Remus and Peter are great, they're really good friends, but in the long run, I'm all you have."

James sighed. "Why does everything have to be so fucking complicated, Padfoot? All I want is to be like other wizards. Other kids even. I just want Lily."

"Hey, Prongs mate, we aren't kids anymore," Sirius pointed out, grinning. "We're seventeen years old now. Very nearly eighteen in actually fact. Our hormones are going crazy right now, we have to shave if we don't wanna look stupid, and big bad wizards are hunting our asses."

Despite everything, James laughed. "Don't you mean **_my ass, Padfoot? I'm the one Voldemort wants to kill."_**

"Hey, if people wanna mess with my unicorn, they gonna have to go through me first!" James and Sirius laughed together, and James suddenly felt really bad about what he'd said. He'd just been stressed out.

"Look, Padfoot, about earlier…"

"Don't worry about it," Sirius said, shrugging it off. He stopped and nodded his head towards the castle. "Wanna go back before we accidentally stroll into the horrors of the forbidden forest?"

James raised an eyebrow then turned round. He gasped. There were just inside the first few trees of the forest. "Wow," said James. Then he walked slowly back out of the forest where he had nearly been killed several times already, and walked back up to the castle with Sirius, all present problems momentarily forgotten.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James and Sirius walked into the common room laughing about something in particular, when the bumped quite accidentally into someone. Sirius looked up. "Oh, sorry, Lily," he apologised.

James looked up as well. Lily. The girl he had never before been able to get out of his mind. The girl who had made him crap at Quidditch because all he could ever think about was her. The girl who had practically given herself to him even though she had a boyfriend. The girl who he had dumped…

"Yeah, sorry," James said without looking at her, then walked on past.

Lily looked at him angrily. "No you're not," she called after him.

James stopped and turned around. "What's that?"

"You're not really sorry."

"Yes I am. I am sorry for bumping into you," James said softly. "I didn't mean for it to happen."

"You're not sorry; if you were sorry you would have never bumped into me in the first place."

James and Lily glared at each other and Sirius just stood somewhere between them, feeling confused. "Uh…are we all talking about the same thing here?"

James turned away at the same time as Lily did, each walking in completely opposite directions.

Sirius sighed and walked over to talk to Remus. He sat down as he and Peter were playing each other at chess. "Guys, we have a serious problem here," he said quietly, staring at the chess board.

"Mm-hmm…" said Remus, frowning. He slowly moved his hand and touched his queen, then pulled it back again sharply. "Mm-hmm…" he said again.

Sirius looked up angrily. "Moony, are you even listening to me?"

"Mm-hmm…"

Peter lay back smiling quite happily. "He's afraid that I'm going to beat him. Which I am."

Remus grinned suddenly and moved his knight. Peter's face went pale and he cried out in anger. "Will I ever beat you?" he said exasperatedly.

"Probably not," Remus stated. He turned to Sirius. "What were you saying Padfoot?"

"We – have – a – serious – problem," Sirius said again, deliberately slow.

"Well, what is it?"

"James."

Remus sighed and leaned back in his chair. "How did I guess?"

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know. We have to get them back together somehow. It's the only way."

"Why?" Remus and Sirius turned to Peter in confusion, who was avoiding their eyes and instead pretending to be concentrating on the board.

"What do you mean, why?" Remus asked, frowning.

Peter hesitated. "Well, I mean, why is it so important that they're together? I know I know, the prophecy thing, but it doesn't necessarily mean Lily does it? It would just be putting her in danger."

"He does kind of have a point, Padfoot," said Moony.

"Will you two listen to yourselves?" Sirius said angrily. "It's not about their safety. Don't get me wrong, I love Lily and James, but if they're supposed to have a son that's going to defeat some wizard mass-murderer in the future, isn't that more important?"

Peter frowned, this time looking to Sirius. "You'd be willing to risk their lives for something that only just might happen?"

Sirius leaned back in anger and didn't answer. Inside, Peter smiled to himself happily. On the outside, he was just Wormtail.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 a/n: and we're back ladies and jellyspoons! I apologise for the incredibly late and slow and crappy chapter, but hey, at least I wrote it. I nearly gave up on this story completely, as my muse is being particularly horrible to me at the moment!

Review and maybe it'll be nice to me. I will try my hardest to get the next chapter up soon, but as I said, I'm concentrating more on my other story at the moment. Thanks for sticking with me.

~rowan

xxxxxxx


	15. Marbles

James' owl, Flutterby (name courtesy of Sirius Black), came into the hall and neatly dropped the Newspaper down onto the table in front of him, narrowly missing his orange juice. He picked it up quickly and scanned the headlines, trying to find something about Voldemort. When he found nothing, he dropped the paper back down on the table, ignoring curious eyes that watched him worriedly.

Remus and Sirius walked into the hall and sat down either side of James. "Good morning Jamsey-boy," Sirius said cheerily.

"Don't call me Jamsey-boy," James said, concentrating hard on his cereal.

"Sure thing Pot-head," chirped in Remus.

"Don't call me Pot-head."

Sirius picked up the newspaper. "So… anything interesting happening in the witchy world?"

"No."

Remus and Sirius' attempts to get James talking failed. They kept trying, but nothing worked much to their disappointment.

James stood up. So did Sirius and Remus. "Where you going, Jamsey-boy?" Sirius asked.

"Don't call me Jamsey-boy. It's Saturday, I'm gonna go down to Hogsmede."

"Ok, Pot-head, we'll come with you."

James sighed. He wasn't a two-year-old, he could look after himself. "Don't call me Pot-head. I don't mind going on my own…"

"Shush. We're coming with you. Besides, I need to stock up on my jokes. Zonkos calls us!"

So, reluctantly, James headed down to Hogsmede with Sirius and Remus. When they were in Zonkos, James realised something. "Hey, where's Wormtail?"

Sirius shrugged. "Dunno."

"He'd already gone when we were up. We assumed he'd come down for breakfast."

James nodded. "I'm gonna wait outside ok?" Sirius and Remus nodded and James made his way outside. He looked up at the sky. It was quite dark. It was nearly February but it was still snowing. He held his hand out and caught a flake. He stared at the flake for a while and then blew it off his hand. He sighed and put his hands in his pockets. He looked down at the ground and frowned. "Found an interesting spot?" sounded a familiar voice. 

James' heart leapt and he slowly lifted his head up. "Hey Lily," he breathed, staring at the familiar redhead who stood before him. Even more beautiful in James' eyes, Lily stared awkwardly at him.

"Lily, are you..." James stopped. He couldn't just ask her if she was ok. Not after what he'd done. "So how's..." No. He couldn't exactly ask how Freddie was, could he? They'd most probably broken up. James laughed aloud. "This is hard."

"Good." Lily was smirking. "James - was it totally stupid that we broke up?"

James narrowed his eyes and looked away. "No."

Lily's smile faded. "So you're still pretending to yourself that you don't love me, huh?"

James closed his eyes painfully. Yes. Yes. Yes...

"No problem," Lily said shakily. "Maybe when you come to your senses and realise that I'm the one thing that's missing from your miserable little life, it will seem stupid and pointless."

James opened his eyes to see Lily turning away. He grabbed her hand instinctively and pulled her round, kissing her firmly on the lips. It was a short kiss, but when he moved away and looked into Lily's eyes, he could see the passion and sadness in her eyes. "James - what..."

"Lily, there's something I should probably tell you..."

"What is it"? Lily said, still shaky from the kiss, a reminder of how miserable she was without James.

"I…" James faltered. No, he was weakening. He'd already promised himself never to put this massive fear onto Lily's shoulders. He looked away from her, which was always the most painful thing he ever had to do. Look away from the one person he loved most in the whole world, and the one person he couldn't be with.

James looked up again and took one step towards Lily, reaching out a hand to touch her cheek. Lily flinched away, not looking at him. Ouch. James took a step back. "I'm sorry," he said.

Lily looked back into his eyes. "What did you have to tell me?"

James sighed. No, resist, resist… One of the seven deadly sins – never give in to temptation. _But then again, thought James, __this isn't exactly a very godly setting we're in right now, is it? A dark lord wanting my death in the middle of a magic-learning world. After fighting with himself for a bit, James gave in, and moved so swiftly towards Lily that she didn't have time to back away before his mouth softly met hers, their lips entwining together in a soft dance. Lily tried to stop it, but her mind didn't want to. She wrapped her arms around James' neck, playing her fingers around his messy hair. She had forgotten how good this felt. Though, usually, James' kisses felt more fiery, more furious and playful, as if he knew he'd have her forever and wanted to enjoy it. This kiss felt more like a heartbreaking goodbye._

James pulled back gently, touching his forehead against Lily's. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry that I told you I didn't love you, I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry I handled it badly, I'm sorry I let Freddie find out, I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry," Lily said urgently. "You don't need to be sorry. Just let me be with you again."

At this James stepped back, putting a finger to his eye, brushing away what appeared to be a tear. "And I'm sorry that I can't tell you why I have to leave now."

Lily bit her lip, and slowly moved away. James watched her go, knowing that that would truly be the last time he would ever kiss her. Lily Evans, his love. James turned to see Remus and Sirius standing at the sorr of  Zonkos, apparently extremely interested in what they'd just bought. James smiled. He knew that they'd just seen everything. Remus and Sirius looked up and smiled. It looked like a smile of sympathy, although of course it was supposed to look like a happy, mischievous smile. "You ready to go?" James asked, trying his hardest not to look miserable.

"Wanna see what I got?" asked Remus excitedly, and James was reminded of a few years ago when they all used to be so young and naïve; blowing up toilets, pranking enemies, laughing at people – just for the joy of having fun. James hadn't had that kind of fun for a long time now. He walked over to Remus and looked into his hands, seeing some deep-purple marbles glinting in his hands.

"What are they?" James asked, pretending to be really interested.

"They're marbles," Remus answered innocently.

Sirius laughed. "Yeah. They're just marbles. Really."

James raised an eyebrow and picked up a marble from Remus' hand, examining it carefully. After a few moments he grinned. "Yeah. I got it. You roll them along the ground like ordinary marbles, and when they hit another one they explode and flour blows up out of them." He chucked the marble back into Remus' hand. "Am I right?"

Remus laughed. "Never could fool our Prongs could you?"

The boys laughed together and headed towards the Three Broomsticks. Suddenly James had an idea –

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy were sitting in their common room, staring at each other.

"Don't think you'll defeat me, Severus," Lucius said dangerously, eyes narrowed and unblinking.

Severus laughed shortly, and said, somewhat less deviously, "Are you kidding me, Lucius? I haven't lost a single staring contest for five years."

"Well, that is all about to change…"

The two seventh-year boys continued to stare at each other for quite some time; neither would give up unless something made them. It was in their Slytherin blood to not give up and to succeed. But it was just a staring contest for Merlin's sake!

Keel and Raven entered the room and walked over to where Lucius and Severus were sitting. "Hey guy," said Keel. When no response came from the two starers, Keel and Raven exchanged amused glances. "You're not having another one of your little staring contests are you?"

After a short hesitation of not wanting to answer, Severus said, "They're not little. This is serious."

"Oh Salazar… What are you betting this time?" asked Keel.

"A fortnight's homework," Lucius answered.

Raven laughed. "Yeah, well that's ok for you, Lucius, but I think having you do Severus' homework isn't going to get him very good marks!"

"If I lose, I have to get him at least a B in his grades or he'll kill me."

"And how the hell are you going to get him at least a B?" asked Keel laughing.

"…Be quiet."

Raven bent forward and gave Severus a light kiss on his cheek. "See you later Sev," she said, walking away to her dormitory. Keel sat down somewhere between his two best friends so that he could keep an eye on them but so that he wouldn't get in the way of their match. Keel heard something. It sounded like a cough. "Hey, did you hear…"

"Shush! I must maintain absolute concentration!" said Lucius firmly.

"Wow – your vocabulary's been extended. What did you do Lucius – read a book?" Severus sniggered.

Keel shrugged away his feeling of unease and picked up a book which he had earlier left on the table. He began to read it, unaware that there was anyone else in the room besides him and Lucius and Severus.

A marble rolled along the floor and stopped at exactly the point right in between where Severus and Lucius were sitting. At exactly the same time, the two boys looked down, breaking their current match. After a pause, Severus said, "Where the hell did that come from?"

Keel leaned forward with his eyes narrowed. Out of the top of his eye, he saw another marble appear from nowhere and roll towards them. It slowly came towards the other marble and hit it. "What the…" A huge puff of flour came bursting out of the two marbles; a puff much larger than the human eye would have thought possible for two tiny marbles.

The three Slytherin Boys stood in horror. "What the hell is all this stuff?!" demanded the boys, none of whom had ever been in a muggle kitchen. Raven descended down the stairs to find three white figures standing where her friends had previously been. "…What happened here, then?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus, Sirius and James burst through the portrait hole, their sides splitting. Everyone in the common room turned to stare at them. "Oh, that was absolutely hilarious!" shouted James

"Did you see the looks on their faces!" laughed Sirius.

"I can't believe they don't know what flour is, dumb Slytherins…"

"What have you three been up to now?" The boys turned to the direction the voice had come from. Lyndsay smiled. "You should've let me come."

The four of them sat down around the fire while Remus told her what they did. "It was so funny," he finished, "-they just looked so stupid, standing there with flour all over them!"

After a few minutes when the hysterical laughter had subsided, Sirius said, "I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry."

"What time is it?"

"Dinner time. Let's go."

Lyndsay bit her lip and purposely avoided looking at James. "Um, yeah – you three go on, I'll see you down there."

"Why?" asked James. "What are you doing now?"

Lyndsay looked at Sirius while she answered. "Lily's having a little nap in her bedroom. She – asked me to wake her when it was time for dinner."

James nodded softly. "Ok," he said quietly. "So – so we'll see you down there then? With – with Lily."

Lyndsay nodded and turned around as quick as lightning, running up the stairs to the girls dormitory. James turned around and followed Remus and Sirius out of the common room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

a/n: sorry it's taken me soooooo long to write + upload this – I hope people are still actually reading this!!!! Review please  : ) 


	16. An Attack

James sat in Dumbledore's office, all of his headmaster's words washing over him. All of yesterday's events had left him feeling confused. What the hell had happened? James put a hand up to his bruised cheek and touched it, flinching from the pain. His cheek was swollen, his lips bleeding, and he had a black ring around his eye. All this, for trying to save the one he loved? It wasn't fair. And now Dumbledore was telling James all about the aurors who were going to help protect the castle to stop Voldemort trying to kill him. In James' confused state, he thought in his mind, _Just let Voldemort come, I don't care if I die. But he must have said it aloud by accident because Dumbledore gave him a very sympathetic look and continued speaking._

James wasn't sure whether he meant it or not. He really was very miserable, but did he really want to die? He didn't know. All he knew was that life wasn't worth living without Lily by his side. He thought back to those few weeks around Christmas. He had never felt happier – but there was always that feeling at the pit of his stomach. That feeling where you know something is going to go wrong. James never could have a happy time where he didn't think that something was going to go wrong. This time, he was right. It could never have carried on for much longer unless Lily had dumped Freddie.

James winced: Freddie. He'd almost forgotten about him. Almost. James sighed as memories of yesterday came flooding back to him…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was another Quidditch match. Griffindor weren't playing, but it was still a pretty big match. Ravenclaw were playing against Slytherin and, obviously, pretty much everyone wanted Ravenclaw to win. 

The previous night Lily had completely ignored James, however much he'd tried to get a conversation going between them. He was just getting sick of it and was about to just tell her why he'd had to end it with her when Lily had stood up, announcing that she was tired and wanted to go to bed. That had crushed James. Just when he was going to be honest with her, she'd left. Now he didn't think he'd be able to strike up the courage ever again.

"Shall we go?" That had been Remus talking.

"Yeah," said Sirius. "Big game; if we get there too late all the good places will be gone.

James stood up. Sirius and Remus began walking out of the hall. James had just reached the door leading into the Great Hall when he stopped, hearing his voice being called. He turned to look at the stairs. There stood Freddie. James sighed. "What do you want, Freddie?" He didn't want to be mean to Freddie, after all, he'd stolen his girlfriend, but he and Freddie weren't exactly on good friend terms.

Freddie walked towards James and before James knew it he was lying on the floor, wrestling to get away from Freddie. Freddie had a look in his eyes that was unnatural. They were flaming red, and James could tell that Freddie was going to kill him. "Help! Get him off me!" shouted James. In seconds, Remus and Sirius came rushing back, trying to pull the unnaturally strong Freddie off of their friend.

Freddie pushed Sirius and Remus off him and continued wrestling with James. Remus had hit the wall and was knocked out, but Sirius had just been pushed away and so ran into the hall shouting for Dumbledore to come. James heard Hogwarts students rush forward to see what was going on, and then he blanked out.

Apparently James had lain in the hospital wing for hours, unconscious. But for him it had been just a painful blink of the eye. He opened his eyes to see Sirius, Remus and Dumbledore, chatting somewhere around him. "Hey guys," he'd managed to get out. He coughed, choking on his own words. The three rushed round him immediately, telling him that they'd thought he was going to die. James managed to laugh. "Thanks, that's great reassurance." Knowing that if James was well enough to make a joke, he'd be fine, Dumbledore left, saying he'd be back later to talk to him.

When James had asked Sirius and Remus what had happened, the two looked at each other hesitantly. But then of course it had all come flooding out. Somehow, apparently, something or someone had put the imperius curse on Freddie to get him to kill James. "I wonder," muttered James. "Was that Voldemort, by any chance?" His friends nodded slowly. "Great… Hey, where's Peter?" No one knew. James was starting to worry. No one had seen Peter since Friday night and now it was Sunday afternoon.

"He might have gone home to visit his family or something," suggested Sirius.

"Without telling anyone?" pointed out Remus.

Another thought came to James. "Um – did anyone tell Lily what had happened?"

An awkward silence. "Um, yeah. As soon as she found out the whole story she – she went rushing to see if…if Freddie, was ok…" Remus looked uncomfortable. James didn't say anything. "But, you know, she was probably just feeling bad 'cause she'd been behind his back with you and everything…" Remus looked at Sirius for help.

"Yeah," said Sirius taking over. "She was probably just trying to make a point. You know. Trying to get at you."

James nodded slowly. Yeah…maybe.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dumbledore and the hospital wing nurse had both insisted that James should stay there at least for the night. He would have stayed longer, but he couldn't stand just lying there in the hospital wing, thinking about everything. Instead he'd missed his classes and just wondered about the school, going to bed before he'd had to see any of his friends. He'd missed dinner as well, and was now sitting in Dumbledore's office, being told about Voldemort and aurors and close shaves.

"You can go now, James," said Dumbledore kindly. James nodded and stood up slowly, wincing from the pain in his muscles. "Oh, and James…" James turned round to see Dumbledore standing. "Please think long and hard about your break up with Miss Evans." James said nothing, and walked out of the office.

The next day, people gasped where James went, having not seen his face yet. He really did look terrible, and in lots of pain. Walking to Transfiguration, he bumped into Lily. Lily saw his face and gasped. "Oh, James…" she said, touching his cheek. "Are you alright?"

James smiled. "I'll live," he said quietly.

Lily brought her hand back down. "I'm sorry I didn't come to see you yesterday."

James said nothing. What was he supposed to say? "That's ok", or, "I understand"? There wasn't much left to say with him and Lily. Lily touched his cheek again affectionately and walked into the classroom, sitting in a far corner. James was about to walk in when someone bumped into him from behind. He turned round to see Freddie.

Freddie's eyes widened as he saw the injuries James had. "Wow," he said, actually sounding impressive. "I did _that to you?"_

Despite everything, James laughed. "Yeah. Didn't know you had it in you."

"Neither did I," agreed Freddie, looking uncomfortable. "Look, I'm really sorry, you know I…"

"Hey, don't worry about it. It wasn't your fault was it?"

Freddie nodded slowly, then continued on into the classroom, James close behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

a/n: ok, so I know that this is all going pretty slowly at the moment, and I know this was a VERY short chapter, but I hoped you liked this chapter anyway. There'll be a big thing with peter coming up soon anyway, which I know you'll all love!! DIE PETER DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Review please, and I'll update. That's the rule. *eyes readers evilly*.

~rowan

xxxxxxx


	17. A Resolve

James sat at the Griffindor table, slumped over his food, eyes closing…closing…

"Hey, James." Someone grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and James awoke with a start. He looked to his left. It was Sirius. "Don't fall asleep in your toast, you'll get butter all over you face." James smiled weakly. Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Anyway, what's up with you – you look like a zombie."

"Thanks Sirius," muttered James sarcastically.

"Yeah man, you look terrible," added in Remus sincerely.

James sighed. "Again, thank you, for making me feel so much better."

Remus laughed. "But seriously – is there anything up?"

James shrugged. "Not really – if you don't include breaking up with the love of my life because the Dark Lord has threatened to murder me and sent one of my ex-friends after me to try to kill me nearly succeeding… But yeah, I'm fine." James smiled broadly and his friends rolled their eyes. "Look, I'm just tired ok? I didn't get any sleep last night."

"Yeah, neither did I," muttered Remus. "What with you tossing and turning all bloody night…"

At that moment Peter came into the hall with an expression of fear on his face. As soon as he saw the rest of the marauders wave him over, he jumped, then hastily moved over towards them and sat down, not looking any of them in the face.

"Hey Peter – you been visiting your mum? Is she feeling any better?" asked James sympathetically. They all knew that Peter's mum (who was a muggle) had cancer, and so assumed that Peter had gone to visit her for the past few days.

Peter was very pale. "My – my mum?" he asked quietly. Then his eyes widened. "Oh yeah! My mum, yeah, she – she's ok. You know – not getting better or anything but she says she's feeling good."

James, Remus and Sirius all looked at each other in surprise at this weird answer. "Ok," Remus said slowly.

At that point Dumbledore stood up shouting, "James Potter please will you come with me now." The hall went deadly silent as all eyes went between the now up-right Dumbledore and the few bewildered teachers surrounding him (including an unknown small man standing by his side) and James who was slowly standing up, his friends around him looking confused. "See you later," mumbled James. Then he walked up to the high table and followed Dumbledore through a small door at the back of the hall, the strange little man following close behind.

Lily's eyes never left James' back as he walked through those doors. Not even for a second.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What do you think it is?" Lily asked, turning to Lyndsay as soon as James had disappeared.

Her best friend shrugged. "I dunno. But James has been seeing Dumbledore a lot lately."

"How do you know?" Lily asked quickly.

Lyndsay frowned. "Just because you were cheating with him and it didn't work out that doesn't mean I can't still be James' friend you know!" she snapped. Lily's face paled and she looked down at her cereal. Lyndsay's face softened. "Sorry Lils," she said.

"That's ok, I completely deserved it," Lily said half-smiling. "I still want to know what's up, though…something's going on…"

"Shit, I wonder if anything's happened…" Lily and Lyndsay looked across the table to see Remus and Sirius in deep conversation. Peter was sitting next to them looking like a ghost and seemed to be listening to his friends' conversation but wasn't joining in. Lily listened in.

"…I don't know. If something massive had happened, wouldn't Dumbledore shut down the whole school?" Sirius was saying in a small voice. "I mean, it would endanger all of us if _he came."_

"Not if James was gone," muttered Remus.

Sirius' eyebrows rasied. "You mean – they would kick James out of the school?"

"Not exactly, but he can't stay here. As long as we're around him, we're all in danger…"

"Hey, I'm not leaving James, not for one second. I promised him –"

Remus turned his head round sharply. "Whatever you promised him, forget it, Sirius. You can't save him from this. This is beyond our control. And I'm not going to let you go after him if they do move him somewhere else, ok?" Sirius didn't say anything. Remus sighed. "Look, I love Prongs as much as you, Padfoot. I don't want anything to happen to him as much as you don't. And I'll do anything he asks me to do – but only if he asks me. If he doesn't, we cannot get in the way. He wouldn't want us to put ourselves in danger, Padfoot. _He _is a very dangerous man."

Lily frowned as she leaned back. Who was this "he" they kept referring to with such strong emphasis and such obvious resentment? She looked at Lyndsay who merely shrugged; obviously her friend had been listening in as well. Lily resided to confront the boys later. She had a right to know what the hell was going on…didn't she?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lily walked determinedly into the common, fists clenched firmly at her side. It was just after breakfast and she had followed Sirius and Remus up here. Now, feeling slightly surprised, she saw them with a stricken-looking Freddie. What were they talking about that was so bad?

Lily walked up to the boys, who immediately dropped their conversation. Freddie sat down, head in his hands, and Sirius looked away. It was Remus who turned to face her, quite obviously faking the smile plastered on his face.

Lily tried to squash down the anger she felt. Why did Freddie have the right to know something so bad that was so obviously about James and she didn't? Instead of yelling which was what her instincts were screaming at her to do, Lily calmly asked, "Where's Peter?"

"Said he felt sick," came the answer. "He's been in the boys' toilets for ages now. I hope he isn't throwing up too much!" Remus kept smiling and Lily felt the irritation slowly beginning to bubble back up inside of her.

"So," she started lightly, "what do you think Dumbledore was so upset about?" Remus paled and looked away awkwardly. "Oh, I – I really don't know…" Remus had always been a terrible liar.

Lily clenched her teeth. "Really," she started angrily, "because I seem to remember you and Sirius mentioning something about danger, worry, this mysterious 'he' and many other suspicious sounding things you were talking about at breakfast that gave the impression that you DO know something about this, you know a LOT about this, and I got the impression that it can't be good."

Freddie and Sirius looked up in alarm. Remus just looked angry. "You were _listening_?" he said angrily. "You were listening to our private conversation?"

"It's a good job I –"

"There's a reason things are private, you know…"

"It's a good job I did listen," Lily shouted. "No one ever tells me anything anymore! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I'm worried about James – about what the hell this secret you all have is and why I can't know it when I love him, I worry about him?"

"HE'S NOT YOURS TO WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE!" shouted Remus, stunning everyone including himself. He breathed heavily, looking into Lily's shocked and upset face. He sighed. "Not anymore," he said again, slowly.

Lily felt the tears prickle at her eyes. "How can you say that? I love him…"

"Then leave him be." Something in Remus' determined tone and hard face said that he wasn't going to relent and that he was being deadly serious. "Lily, if you love him, you'll leave him alone."

Lily breathed in deeply and tried to compose herself. "Fine," she said through clenched teeth. Lily walked over to the stairs, ran up them and slammed the door behind her in her dormitory with as much dignity as possible before she burst into tears and dropped to the floor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus sighed again and sat down into a chair. Freddie was already sat and Sirius was on the floor lying on his back in obvious anguish. "Maybe we should have told her," mumbled Remus.

"No," said Sirius, propping himself up onto his shoulders. "If James doesn't want her to know, then it's not our place to tell her."

"I know, but I hate to see her in so much pain." Remus' tired eyes suddenly clouded over with pain and he shut them, glad for the rest.

Freddie stood up and paced the room. "Me and Lily were not meant to be," he said, getting Remus and Sirius' attention for the first time that hour. "But James and Lily…it's so obvious that they love each other. They're meant to be together. It was even written in a prophecy for Merlin's sake."

"Yeah, but the prophecy never said it would be Lily's child," Sirius pointed out. "That's why James broke up with her. He doesn't want it to be her child, because he loves her." Freddie stopped pacing and stood still to listen. "James is scared. He's scared that if he stays with Lily, they'll have the child who is supposed to one day rise up against Voldemort, and Voldemort will now not only go after James and the baby, but Lily as well."

Freddie nodded slowly. "But if James is with someone else…"

"…then Lily will be safe."

Freddie sat down again, leaning forward with his hands clasped together. "Wow," he said finally. "He must really love her, to do that."

"He does," said Remus quietly.

The sad silence that was the next main topic of conversation in the common room between the three boys was certainly a long, awkward but thought-provoking one. After a few minutes Freddie yelled aloud in anger, showing enough anger that all three boys felt. "It's not fair!" he said. "How come we have to sit here feeling terrible when this is James' mess?"

Sirius looked up. "You think you feel terrible? Just think he feels."

That shut Freddie up. Well, it did for a minute anyway. "It's just so stupid," he said, starting up again. He leaned forward. "She's in love with him, unfortunately for me might I add, he's obviously in love with her, and there's a bloody prophecy that says that they're going to be together."

"Freddie, we already told you," Remus said, rubbing his face with his hands. "The prophecy doesn't mention Lily…"

"You said it was between James and the one he dearly loved," said Freddie with a hard face. "Who else is he ever going to love?" Remus and Sirius looked at each other, and Freddie sighed. Look, I may not know James as much as you two, but I've seen the way he looks at her; I can't imagine him ever loving anyone as much as that ever again. Can you?"

After a few moments, Sirius said, "So, what are you saying? Do you think we should try to get them back together or what?"

"That's exactly what I think we should do."

"No, James would kill us," Remus put in. "This is his decision, we can't go against it…"

"Yeah, but we're not going against it," said Sirius. "We're his friends, friends help each other out, they give advice, they guide their friends in the right direction…"

Remus frowned. "Yeah, but who are we to decide what's right for Lily and James? I'm not saying I don't think they belong together, because I think they do, but I also think that we can't force them into something unless they chose to do it themselves. If they are meant to be together, if the prophecy IS about Lily, then they'll be together…"

"And if the prophecy isn't about Lily?" Sirius stood up. "You want James to go and be with someone who will only ever be second best to him because he can't be with Lily, forcing Lily, James and the girl who is second best into a life-time of misery?"

Remus smiled. "Aren't you being a little melodramatic?" he said, grinning.

Sirius grinned back. "Worked at least, didn't it? Besides, I can be melodramatic if I want. This is a pretty heavy subject."

"Agreed," said Freddie, who hadn't spoken for a while. Remus and Sirius looked at him as if they'd forgotten he was there. "So – what are we going to do?" He looked at Sirius and then at Remus. "You're his best friends; it's up to you."

Reminded by something, Remus turned to Sirius. "Do you think maybe we should include Peter in this?"

"Oh, I don't know; he looked really green last time I saw him," Sirius said grinning. "It was when Dumbledore called out for James. I think this whole situation might be too much for him." Remus nodded in agreement.

Freddie sighed. "So are we doing it or not?" he asked, whining like a six year old.

Remus and Sirius looked each other. A small grin slowly appeared on their faces. "Who says we're meddling?" said Remus.

"Yeah, and in doing this, we're saving the future world, are we not?" Sirius grinned.

"Not to mention saving a LOT of tension for us and our dear friends," Freddie put in.

"Let's do this!" said Remus with mock-heroism.

Sirius grinned, but after a moment or two his smile faded. "Um, I hate to be the negativity of the group, but, um… How?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

a/n: HELLO!! Sorry it's been oh-so long. I'm sure no one's reading this crap (I apologise for the crap). Ah well, at least things are beginning to take shape. But I warn you, this is only going to carry on for another few chapters or so. And there isn't going to be a real ending (you know, with defeating Voldemort and stuff) because we already know what happened there! But there will be some sort of conclusion within the friends and the romance!!! YAY ROMANCE! *sigh* gotta love the fluff. Fluff. Yum. Next chapter, if you're nice and review me lots, we'll find out what Dumbledore had to say. Predictable maybe, but still GOOD. :D oh yeah, and sorry this chapter was a bit slow, but you have to have the meat, you cant just have the bread. :P

       REVIEW PLZ!

           Love,

           ~RowanX


	18. Sorrow

James walked out of Dumbledore's office and down the staircase. He walked along the corridors and up to the portrait of the fat lady. He walked into the common room. He walked across the common room and up the stairs. He walked into his dormitory, slammed the door behind him and collapsed onto his bed, uncontrollably shaking with fear.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus and Sirius looked up from their game of Wizards Chess closely watched by Freddie (Remus was winning, quite predictably, and much to Sirius' annoyance) when their good friend James walked into the common room. The three boys jumped up instantly. "James, what did Dumbledore say?" Sirius asked as James walked up to them. But then he walked straight past them and up the stairs to his dormitory. They heard the slam of a door and then that was it.

"What was that?" asked Freddie.

"That would be James ignoring us," said Remus, sitting down and staring hard at his chess pieces.

Freddie sighed. "Well yeah, I managed to get as far as him ignoring us."

"Just give him time," Sirius said. "Technically, this is none of our business, but I'm sure James will tell us as soon as he's ready. Freddie sat back in irritation, angry at not getting any answers to any of the bazillion questions he had formed in his impatient mind over the last few hours of boredly watching Remus and Sirius play their endless games of Wizards Chess in which Sirius had won once and Remus had won about ten times which had begun to get boring and predictable.

In the next hour that passed, Remus won another four games and Sirius had angrily knocked the chess board over "accidently" and made the accusation that the board was titled. When Remus asked why this would have any affect on the game, Sirius blushed and mumbles something that included the words, "cheater", "titled", and "go to hell", which made Freddie and Remus burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Their laughter soon stopped when James walked down the stairs and into the common room with a strange look on his face. It was as if the realisation had hit him that he would in fact have to come out of his dormitory eventually, or risk people going in there when he wasn't ready for him, and it looked as if this fact annoyed him greatly. James walked over and sat down on an empty red chair next to Remus, saying nothing.

Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius, saying, _You're__ his best friend, you ask him._

Sirius frowned, his expression saying, _You're__ his best friend as well, YOU ask him!_

_You've known him longer, _Remus' expression read as he nodded in James' direction.

"Don't face-talk," said James suddenly, surprising and annoying them both. "It's annoying and I know what you're saying. Who's going to ask him what the deadly news that Dumbledore told him is? Well, I might as well tell you." James' voice was very quiet and subdued as he stared at the fire, the main object of his sight. He hadn't looked any one of them in the face since he had left the Great Hall. James sighed. It wasn't an impatient sigh; it was a weary sigh, a sad sigh. A sigh that said he had no way of contemplating of how to cope with this new information. After what felt like an age to Remus, Sirius and Freddie, James croaked, "It's my parents. They're…they're dead. They were killed. Voldemort killed them." Sirius gasped. "Voldemort killed my parents."

Freddie's mouth dropped open. He, unlike Remus and Sirius, had never met James' parents, having only that year become quite good friends with him. But he couldn't imagine the terrible feeling of having your parents…_dead… _Freddie felt a shudder pass through them as he imagined his own parents (lovely people - muggles), sitting at home on the sofa, watching some detective program, when a tall man bursts into their loving home, they here the dog bark, the strange man taunts them terribly before he whispers the one curse which is sure to kill them instantly: "Advra Kedavra…"

Freddie looked round and wasn't surprised when he saw that Sirius had tears in his eyes. Sirius had no parents. Freddie had never known the story to that and had never asked, but he did know that Sirius' parents had died, or left him, when he was very young, and he spent most of his holidays at James' house. Freddie realised that James' parents must have been just like parents to Sirius. But of course, no matter how any of them felt, no one at that moment could have felt worse than James did.

Remus did something then that was a very un-Remus thing to do. He walked over to James, knelt down, and hugged him, hard, saying absolutely nothing. James burst into tears and cried shamelessly into his friends' shoulder. Sirius sat still for a moment with his mouth literally dangling open, tears still in his eyes and now dripping soundlessly down his face, before he too walked over and joined the group hug. Freddie felt uncomfortable. There was something in the Marauder friendship that no one else could interpret or get involved in or even begin to understand. He stood up silently and walked over to the portrait hole, leaving the common room.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

No one noticed Freddie leave. James clung onto his friends as though if he let go of them, they would leave him too. After about ten minutes, Remus prised himself off of James, and Sirius did the same. James put his head into his hands, sobbing uncontrollably. "It's ok to cry," Remus said, not even caring if he sounded like a girl.

"What did Dumbledore say?" asked Sirius quietly.

James gasped for breath and still would not look at them. "That little man you saw…he's my uncle…he was the first to find them, and thought it better…for me to know in person…he was my father's brother…his name is Bill…" James obviously thought that every detail that somehow linked to his parents was important, as if he were grasping to hold on to the memory of them. "It was Bill who told me…then Dumbledore just said that we'd have to be extra cautious…he talked for longer, but I don't…I don't know…I wasn't listening…"

Remus made soothing noises and rubbed James' back which he knew was despairingly pathetic, but he didn't know what else to do. He knew James' parents well; they had been lovely people, and to try to comfort someone when you too are in grief, especially when there is no hope, no light, is a hard thing to try and do.

"Where's Peter?" asked James, but before Remus or Sirius could answer him, a voice sounded interrupting them.

"Hi," said Lily from the bottom of the stairs leading to her dormitory. As Sirius looked up with tears streaking his cheeks, and as Remus looked up with the gravest face he'd ever worn, Lily's smiled immediately faded, all thoughts of apologising to her friends gone. She saw James, but he was facing away from her, so she couldn't read his expression. "Oh my…what's happened? What's wrong?"

Remus and Sirius looked at each other. Lily was about to protest when she remembered earlier; _oh great, another secret kept from me_. Lily moved cautiously forward around to see James. Remus was about to push her back when he realised that James would have to talk to Lily eventually.

Lily knelt on the floor and looked up at James who removed his hands and looked down at her. "Oh, James…" she said, seeing the state he was in. "What's happened? Is it about what Dumbledore said?"

James nodded. "My parents are dead…" he whispered, and Lily gasped in shock. She was going to ask how they'd died, when instead she leaned up, pulling him into a hug. James was reluctant at first, but then grabbed her back tightly. He'd stopped crying, but he buried his face into Lily's shoulder. He missed being with her so much. He missed her smell, her embrace, her soft fiery hair…

Suddenly Lily felt James tighten up, and he pulled away not looking at her. "James?" she said uncertainly. James stood up. "Lily," he started in a stiff voice. "This doesn't change anything, you know. Thank you for being here for me, as a friend."

Lily stood up slowly. "Fine," she said. New tears sprung up in her eyes. "I'm sorry about your parents," she said sincerely. Then she marched out of the room and out through the portrait hole. James firm expression immediately left his face and he flopped onto his chair, leaning back and closing his eyes.

Remus and Sirius approached cautiously, sitting either side of him, Sirius on a chair, Remus on the floor. "Prongs?" Sirius encouraged. "What was all that about?"

James opened his eyes and looked at them each in turn. "My parents have just died. I'm going to miss them so…so much. I don't know what I'm going to do now that they're gone. I don't think I've quite come to terms with it yet; I just can't believe it, it's just such a stupid thing to have to deal with. This is the worst kind of pain imaginable; knowing…knowing that I'll never…I'll never…that I'm never going to…I'll never see them again…" James was breathing raggedly and it was obvious that all this was hard to get out, especially through the tears rolling down his cheeks. "It's obvious that Voldemort's watching me. Closely. If I go out with Lily, he'll find out someway. I know he will. If he finds out how much I love her…" James stopped and took a deep breath in. "He'll kill her. And I am _not _going to go through this again…" At that moment James stopped and started crying again, collapsing onto the floor in a state of complete despair and agony, with only his friends to comfort him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lily had felt terrible the moment she had stalked out of the common room. Who was she to be in a huff and feel sorry for herself and actually feel angry at James? His parents had just died, and she was angry at him for pretending like he didn't love her. He had more important things to worry about; he didn't need an ex-girlfriend who wouldn't leave him alone hanging over his shoulder.

It had now been a week past, and Lily had barely spoken to James. No one had for that matter. He walked around the school with a set expression on his face, looking so fragile that people thought he might shatter into pieces if they even touched him or went near him.

Lily walked into the Great Hall. She was feeling nervous; Gryffindor had a Quidditch match against Slytherin, and she knew for a fact that Gryffindor hadn't practiced all week. James was the one who called together the practices, and he hadn't mentioned his favourite sport for a long time.

Lily walked up to her friends and smiled, sitting down in between Lyndsay and Sirius, and opposite Peter, James and Remus. "Hi," she said nervously. Having not spoken to her friends for a while, she couldn't remember whether they were still friends or not. Lyndsay smiled at her and the boys nodded their head in acknowledgement; James didn't though. Lily was happy with this small welcome that she got, and picked up a slice of toast, munching on it.

"Quidditch match should be in about half an hour…" Remus mumbled.

"I told you," said James, not looking up from his breakfast. "I'm not playing."

Lily assumed from the looks she got from her friends that this conversation hadn't only just started.

"Prongs, you have to play!" said Sirius, leaning forward. "You're the captain. We can't play without you."

"Get someone to take my place," James said slowly, looking at Sirius dangerously.

Sirius frowned. "Who are we going to get, huh? There's no one who can take your place, not even for one match."

"Look," said James, "if Lola catches the snitch, then you won't even need me."

Sirius leaned back. "Assuming that Slytherin doesn't kick our asses with goals first."

Silence. Lily looked at Lyndsay who half-smiled at her. They all knew that James was the best chaser the school had seen for years, and although Johnson and Porkey were good, they were all sure as hell that without James, whether Lola caught the snitch or not, they were going to lose.

Remus frowned. "This is a very important match, you know," he started.

"Do I look like I care?" Everyone stared at James. He really didn't.

Remus blinked. "Yes," he said, surprising everyone. "You care a lot. You care so much, that you're not going to play, because you're worried about how badly you'll do. You're worried that you might freak out in the middle of the match, or have a breakdown or something. And you're worried that everyone will be mad at you, thinking you've lost your touch, blaming you for losing the match. And then you're worried that you'll start blaming yourself…about things that are a lot worse than some stupid fucking Quidditch match that you couldn't believe you were even worried about in the first place."

James stared at Remus and then looked down hard at the table, not moving. From this everyone knew that Remus was right. Then James stood up with such force he knocked his chair down; he slammed his fists down on the table at the same time and his goblet and many goblets around fell over, liquid spilling out everywhere. "Fuck you," James said to no one in particular, before walking out of the hall with a hundred eyes staring after him.

"James, wai…" Remus stopped, knowing it was no good. "Shit," he said, sitting back down after he'd stood up to call after James. "Now all I've done is piss him off."

Sirius shrugged. "At least you made him realise the truth. Now he can go get his anger out."

Remus' eyes widened. He looked around the hall over at the Slytherin table. A few of its more important members weren't there. Sirius followed his friends' gaze and cursed when he saw the empty seats at his enemys' table. He stood up, running out of the hall. Remus followed him, quickly. Lily looked at Peter then at Lyndsay. "What was all that about?" she asked. Lyndsay shrugged, Peter just went pale and did nothing. Lily frowned at him. He'd been acting really strange lately. And now, when he should be following his friends, he wasn't. From what she knew he hadn't even talked to James about his parents yet. Hadn't offered him any comfort at all or anything like that.

"Peter, are you alright?" she asked.

Peter looked up at her sharply. "Of course," he said sharply. "I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be fine?"

"Well…your friends just left the hall, and James is obviously upset and angry. Shouldn't you be going with them?"

"No! I don't have to be with them all the time, do I!" Peter shocked Lily. She had never seen the small, nervous, clumsy boy so angry before.

"No, no you don't have to be with them all the time," Lyndsay said, stepping in, "but they are your best friends, and…"

"So what if they're my best friends?" Peter said standing up. "That doesn't meant they're necessarily right all the time. Doesn't mean I have to follow the same path as them all the time. Am I allowed to be myself occasionally? Is that too much to ask?" Peter then too walked out of the hall, leaving Lyndsay and Lily in shock.

"Now what the hell was all that about?" asked Lyndsay.

Lily shook her head slowly. "I don't know. What was he going on about?"

Lyndsay shrugged.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James stalked out of the hall with his fists clenched tightly at his side. Stupid Remus – thinking he knew everything. He didn't know anything about how James was feeling. None of them did, despite what their stupid brains told him. He just didn't want to play Quidditch today, and it was nobody's business why. 

James ignored the painful part of his brain that told him the reason he was so angry, especially at Remus, was because no one had come that close to the truth before about the way James was feeling. 

He supposed he probably should play Quidditch. Let his anger out with flying, get hit by a bludger a few times just to feel the pain of it, to take his mind off his parents. Isn't that what you were supposed to do? Everyone always said that you had to get on with your life. You had to stop thinking about them. But James couldn't stop thinking. All he could think about was his mum, looking after him when he felt ill, when one of his older brothers had put a stupid curse on him. James remembered feeling so jealous when he was the only one out of four kids still not at Hogwarts. The year his youngest older brother had gone off to Hogwarts, he'd remembered feeling so lonely. Without Amy to read with him, without Eric to practice Quidditch with him, even without Damien to play tricks on him and tease him, life just didn't feel right. He'd felt as lonely as hell, and his parents had known that, and they had been so kind to him. They weren't angry when he had tantrums for no reason, or when he lashed out or did badly at school. They spent so much time with him, they bought him things, they even read with him and his father had even attempted at practising Quidditch with him, even though he wasn't very good.

James stopped walking and fell to the floor, curling up against the wall as soon as he'd fallen. Amy, the oldest, at 25, was married with a daughter and worked in the ministry. Eric at 23 was an auror, and Damien, who was only two years older than James at 19, worked in a shop in Diagon Alley. They all had other lives that didn't evolve around their parents. James didn't. James could feel the child inside of him screaming, bursting with pain and agony, but tears never even left James' eyes. He just sat on the floor shaking.

"What's this?" James didn't look up at the scrawling voice. He knew it had to be Malfoy. He could tell by the heavy block of light to the left of him that someone else was with him; most probably Snape. "And what's wrong with you today, Perfect Potter?" Lucius asked, laughing sharply. James couldn't believe that Malfoy had no heart at all. He knew James' parents had died, and still he taunted and ridiculed him. James felt the anger bubble up inside of him, and before he knew what he was doing, he had stood up angrily, reaching for his wand, and had muttered the first curse that had come into his head, wand pointed directly at Malfoy.

Snape had acted quick. As soon as Malfoy's head had hit the floor, he whipped his own wand out. "Don't," he said quietly.

James tried to smile, but didn't. "Don't, what?" he asked dangerously.

Nothing more was said. Malfoy stood up quickly, but before he could race towards James, the two most annoying people he felt had ever existed turned up; Black and Lupin.

"Stop," Remus said forcefully. While Sirius tried to push James back, to get him away, Remus walked up to the two Slytherins. "Whatever he did I'm sure you deserved it," he said, dangerously close to Malfoy's face. "I can't believe you. Do you even have anything in you? Anything that can make you feel sorry for a man who just lost his parents? The two people who are supposed to always be there, until you're old with your own family…"

"Do shut up, you're making me so sad," Lucius said in a monotone. He yawned. "Yes, yes, let's all feel sorry for _Potter. Because he's the only one who's ever lost his parents." Lucius turned and stalked off. Severus, whom had a little more heart than his friend, looked at Remus with questioning eyes. Remus nodded, saying it was ok, and that they'd look after James. Severus ran off after Lucius, and Remus turned back to Sirius and James._

"I'm fine," James was saying through clenched teeth. "Nothing happened."

Sirius looked unconvinced, and neither Sirius nor Remus said anything about the visible streaks down James' cheeks. "Come on," James said, suddenly bright, shocking his best friends. "Let's go play Quidditch. Nothing better to do, right?" He walked off down the corridor, and Remus and Sirius followed slowly, and at a safe distance.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

a/n: ok, crappy chapter, SLOW TORTOISE, slow story, sorry it's been a while, but there you are. The more reviews I get, the more I'll be forced into writing the next chapter.

I don't really understand why I'm getting so many reviews, I really don't. I'm not saying this out of modesty of anything, but I really don't like this story! I think it's kinda crap! If I were reading it I would have stopped a long time ago. But hey, I'll try and get it finished, for you guys. : ) keep reviewing with thoughts and comments!

~rowanx


	19. Report

_The match between Gryffindor and Slytherin was a great game. It lasted 70 minutes, which was the longest game either side had ever played. James had played well; with Porkey and Johnson they had together scored 180 points for Gryffindor. That's 18 goals. Slytherin were quite astounded with the level of talent shown in that game by the Gryffindor team, and in their surprise, they had scored only 4 goals. 40 points. Who caught the snitch? Lola did, of course. Gryffindor won 230 – 40. They are now leading the Quidditch table and have the most house points. You would have thought that James Potter, Gryffindor Quidditch captain and Hogwarts Head Boy would have been estatic, wouldn't you? _

_Think again. _

_What did James Potter do when the game had finished? He fainted. Right there in the middle of the air. Best friend and Gryffindor beater Sirius Black says that as soon as the whistle had blown, Potter's smile and energy seemed to vanish, and he clutched his heart, saying, and I quote, "It hurts. I can't…", before falling from his broom and crashing through the 50 feet of air to the hard ground, landing with what sounded like a lot of bones breaking into a million pieces. Close friend Remus Lupin is quoted with saying, "You think that was his bones breaking? More like his heart." _

_James Potter's parents recently died; cause of death He Who Must Not Be Named. News of this came out after the Quidditch match. Most of Hogwarts school already knew this distressing fact, but they only knew half the story. News that You-Know-Who killed James Potter's parents is out. _

_The Dark Lord has already killed many, and is getting more and more followers. People including myself have begun to fear the very name so as not able to speak it. If he is not defeated soon, there are talks that he will take over the wizarding world. And we as witches and wizards can only begin to imagine how terrible that will be… _

_Our only hope is that the Ministry can stay strong throughout this dark time, because when there is no hope at all, it is better to be able to see the despair than to be blind. _

James was allowed out of the hospital wing three days after the nurse had healed and mended his broken bones. He didn't feel healed though. It still felt as though he were broken up inside. Which wasn't exactly untrue. 

                     James walked around school as though nothing had happened. Now that everyone knew about his parents, the atmosphere around him had become slightly more tensed. Every time some second years he knew from his own house saw him, they ran off in the other direction. James didn't really mind the fact that people were avoiding him. It gave him the peace he needed to think about things. To sort things out. 

                     Sirius and Remus were practically the only people who weren't avoiding him. They talked about everything and anything unlinked to Lily, parents or Dark Lords. James was glad they were his friends. But something strange was going on with Peter. He wasn't quite sure what, but his friend had barely spoken to him since his parents had died. James assumed he just needed to be alone for a bit, and didn't question it. 

                     He did wish that a certain red-headed seventh year was still speaking to him though. Lily hadn't known before that Voldemort had killed James' parents, and now she was avoiding him with everyone else. James needn't have bothered over this, though. Unknowingly, two friends were scheming something in hope that James and Lily would never be apart again… 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

James and Remus walked into Charms. Seeing Sirius was sitting next to Lily, James frowned, but walked over anyway, as he knew there would be nowhere else to sit. Remus rushed ahead of James and sat the left of Sirius, leaving James with no choice but sit next to Lily. 

                     Lily looked up briefly with a quiet, "Hi," before shyly looking down to her books. James sat down without saying a word. Much to his annoyance, Professor Flitwick was late, and Sirius and Remus were deep in quiet conversation, so there was nothing to do except talk to Lily. James turned and smiled broadly at her. "How are ya?" he asked. 

                     "I'm fine thanks. How are you?" Lily's eyes widened as she asked this. "Not, not that you wouldn't be fine or anything, because, um, you know, but…" Lily stopped as James started laughing. She went red in the face. "What?" she asked hotly. 

                     James wiped tears from his eyes which had sprung from laughing so much. "Oh, nothing, nothing…" 

                     "No, tell me why you were laughing at me!"

                     Lily pouted and James sighed, grinning. "Sorry love," he said, startling her slightly, "but it's just…everyone's been so…_weird,_ around me lately."  

                     "Can you blame them?"

                     "Just because my parents are gone, it doesn't mean I'm going to start crying whenever anyone speaks to me," James said, smiling bravely. Lily took note of the fact that James had said gone instead of dead. "I'll choose when to have my breakdowns myself, thanks!" 

                     Lily smiled. She felt so proud of James. He was being so brave. But that's what he always did. He always denied and blocked out anything he didn't like from his life. It was what made him such a great and happy person. But Lily knew that it wasn't a particularly good habit to have. Denying that his parents were truly dead and gone forever wasn't healthy. But if it's what James wanted to do, Lily couldn't stop him. 

                     "So, what have you been up to lately?" asked Lily. 

                     James shrugged. "Bog all," he said huffily. Lily laughed. "I'm so bored. Everyone seems to think like I need rest or something, so I haven't done anything or gone anywhere for two weeks now." 

                     "Well, you wanna go to Hogsmede with me this weekend?" suggested Lily. Seeing James' doubtful face, she added quickly, "Just as friends of course. We haven't hung out for ages." 

                     James smiled. "Sure. Sounds great." At that point Flitwick came in, and everyone hushed up, eager to hear what magic they would be doing in that lesson. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

In the common room that night James and Remus were playing Wizards Chess, eagerly watched by about ten or so Gryffindors surrounding them tensely. Everyone knew that Remus was the best Chess player in the school by far, but James had been on such a winning streak with Quidditch and lessons that no one was sure of what the result would be. 

                     James looked intensely at the board, eyes not flickering to Remus' calm, grinning face. Slowly, James moved his hand and picked up his knight. He moved it forward…everyone leaned in to watch…James moved it back and let go and everyone sighed. Then, he reached out and moved his castle three spaces forward. He leaned back gracefully and put his hands behind his head, as he watched Remus' face slowly crumple. A few people around gasped and Sirius did a mock-faint, falling into Freddie and knocking him to the ground. 

                     Lily rolled her eyes. Honestly, she couldn't see what was so exciting about a game of chess. But she couldn't blame everyone for being so absorbed in it. After all, there was nothing much else to do. She looked outside at the grounds. It was pouring down with rain and the sky was a deep blue, shadows of clouds hiding the twinkling stars. It was dark. Lily's eyes fell towards the New Forest and she narrowed them to see what had caught her eye. A small light had just entered the New Forest. 

                     Lily frowned. Who would be going into the forest at this time of night? She knew it couldn't be Hagrid, the GamesKeeper; he was so large she was sure she would know if it was him. Lily was intrigued, and nearly left the common room to go see, when her mind remembered itself; she had no business with whatever was going on. It could be a teacher, doing some research, or it could be Dumbledore doing whatever which was his own business. Anyway, Lily had been into the Forbidden Forest before, and she had seen first hand that there were reasons it was forbidden. 

                     Lily prized herself away from the window and walked over to the crowd, watching the game that had been going onfor quite a long time. It was obviously Remus' go, because he was standing up, walking around, looking at the game from different angles. picking up his players, muttering, putting them back down again, scratching his head... James, however, looked cool and confident. He kept yawning sarcastically with massively-exaggerated arm-stretches. Finally, Remus slowly moved his Queen two spaces to the left and sat back down again, twiddling his thumbs. "Check." James stood up wildly, looking at his pieces. 

                     "How the hell did that happen?" Everyone cheered and slapped Remus on the back. Another victory for the wonderous Lupin. James sat down and pouted, childishly, in his chair. Lily walked up to him, laughing. 

                     "You can't win every time, James," she said. 

                     "Yeah, so, I've never won against him." James folded his arms huffily. 

                     Lily laughed at him as Remus came over with Sirius close behind. "I won," he said with a smile. 

                     "Yeah, congratulations," James mumbled. 

                     Sirius grinned. "Have you forgotton a little bet we had going here?" 

                     James' eyes lit up and his arms unfolded. He stood up, grinning. "Oh yeah. Guess I lost, didn't I?" 

                     "Yep." Remus and Sirius laughed. 

                     Lily folded her arms and put on her McGonagall face. "Whatever are you talking about?" The boys burst out laughing even more. James just stood there smiling. 

                     "Just a little bet Remus and James made," said Sirius. 

                     Lily raised an eyebrow. "And?" she asked. "What was it?" 

                     Sirius grinned and nodded his head in the direction of James. Lily turned round and gasped as everyone else did at the new sight of their seventh year friend in nothing but a G-String. Lily blushed but didn't look away. Where was she supposed to look? She turned to Sirius briefly, astonishment in her face. "Yes? And now what does he do?" 

                     Sirius laughed aloud and Lily turned back again. A pole had appeared in the middle of the common room, and James had started dancing around it. Lyndsay grabbed Lily's arm. "What is he doing?" she asked. 

                     Lily laughed. "He's pole dancing. It's this dance where half-naked girls dance sexily around poles for disgusting old men who put money in their...underwear!" Lyndsay, Lily, Remus and Sirius and everyone in the common room burst out into uncontrolled hysterical laughter as James strutted his stuff around the pole. After only a few minutes however, it all seemed to be too much for James, who collapsed to the floor, face splitting, complaining that he couldn't breathe. Lily had never been in a more ridiculous scene. A pole, 15 people, rolling all over the floor, one of the 15 people in nothing but a G-String that was much too small for him. 

                     After about an hour of general larking around, everyone managed to calm down enough to go to bed. Lily stayed down with the boys though. She didn't think she'd be able to sleep after all that farcical nonsense. She felt as if she had just drunken ten cups of coffee, she was so alive. The four collapsed onto the chairs and grinned at each other. "Well, Mr. Potter," said Sirius, "I must say I thoroughly enjoyed your performance tonight." James chuckled. "When is your next show? DO tell." 

                     "Oh no, I'm never doing that again," said James with a smile. "Much like I never plan on playing chess with Remus. EVER AGAIN." 

                     Remus kicked his trainers off and put his feet up on the table. He put his hands behind his head in a relaxed ooh-look-at-me style, and said, "Yep." Sirius, James and Lily laughed and Remus joined in. 

                     It was then that it happened. The first of many. When I say first, I mean second or third, but this was really the first one that hit James so hard. Suddenly he stopped laughing, his smile vanished from his face. He removed his hands from behind his head and grasped the arms of his chair, looking fixedly at the floor. Eventually, Lily noticed this, but Sirius and Remus were muttering nonsense words at each other and laughing their heads off. 

                     Lily walked over to James chair. "You alright?" she asked in a normal but wary voice. If he was alright, she knew how he got when people kept asking him that, and she didn't want to annoy him.  

                     James closed his eyes and his face pales. He started gasping for breath and tears began slowly trickling out of his eyes. Lily assumed Sirius must have noticed because from behind her she heard him say, "You alright, man?" 

                     James opened his eyes. They were red and he was fully crying now. Crying so hard he couldn't breathe. He clutched his hand to his heart and stared wide-eyed at the floor. He half-got up and knelt onto the floor, still clutching his heart. Remus knelt down beside him and held his back, rocking him just slightly back and forth. Sirius took Lily's arm and lead her to the other side of the bedroom. "What's wrong with him?" she asked. 

                     Sirius sighed and glanced back at his friend. "It's called grief, Lily." Lily gasped. She had actually forgotten. How could she do that? "I remember," said Sirius in a quiet voice, "when my parents died, it was like this. I was fine for ages, then when I realised I was fine, I couldn't take it. Couldn't take knowing that I had forgotten about them being dead. Then the realisation hits, then..." Sirius stopped. He had a few tears in his own eyes. 

                     "Sirius, I'm so sorry," said Lily. She had of course known his parents were dead. They had died sometimes before he came to Hogwarts, but she had found out through James, and had never once talked to Sirius about it. Lily hugged Sirius lightly then pulled back. Sirius nodded gratefully. "I think it's him that needs the hug, not me." 

                     "Trust me Sirius, I don't really think he would wanna see me right now." 

                     Sirius looked at Lily with an expression she couldn't read. "Sometimes he doesn't see what he needs," he said quietly. He nodded towards James and without further question Lily let her heart drag her across the room. She knelt down besdies James and immediately he collapsed into her outstretched hands and cried onto her shoulder. Lily closed her eyes and rested her chin on his shoulder. They stayed like that for what felt like lightyears. Lily had forgotten how warm she felt in his touch, but she couldn't think about that now. All she could think about was his pain, and how she desperately wished she could take it all herself, just so he would be happy. When James had finally stopped crying he lifted his head up, his face stained with tears. Lily looked around. Remus and Sirius had gone. "They're dead, Lils," James said quietly. Lily nodded, feeling the tears prickle at her own eyes. She just wanted to comfort him. So without thinking, Lily leant inwards and kissed Jmes softly on the lips. He didn't respond, James was too startled to move. "This doesn't mean anything," said Lily against James' lips, ready to move away if he pushed her off. "I'm not going to hold you to anything. Just kiss me, please. I just want to kiss the hurt away for you..." Before she could say anything James wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back. First it was gentle, and then both pushed against each other urgently, desperate for what they had gone so long for without. 

                     Then James started crying again, and Lily pulled back. She looked at his hurt face and gently kissed each of his closed eyelids. James leaned against her. "I'm sorry, Lils...you know I can't...it just makes it harder...I wish you knew...if only you understood..." Lily shushed him and made soothing noises. She embraced him comfortingly and eventually he fell asleep, safe and warm in her arms. Lily didn't sleep. She sat, leant against the chair, eyes wide open all night, one question repeating itself over and over in her mind... "Knew _what?"_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

a/n: hope you liked the chapter. If you want me to email you when I update (because I know I take quite a while to!) then tell me in your reviews (hint hint) and leave your email address. Things are happening next chapter - ooh! ...or the chapter after that, haven't decided, lol. And if you were wondering, then no, _I _didn't forget about the light going into the forest. _Lily forgot. So there :P  ReviewReviewReview!! ~rowanx_


	20. Memory

a/n: thank you to all my reviewers – you've been reviewing since the dawn of time and thank you :D 

**tom**** girl – thank you so much for adding me to your favourites you don't know how much that means to me!! I haven't even started the next chapter yet I don't think but I'll try and get it up soon I promise.**

**josalyn – your meaness is excused and I hope you're enjoying the story.**

**MegHarts** – ah, how will they get through this? HOW, you ask? You wanna know? Keep reading!! The next chapter will be painful for Lily and James, I promise you!

**BeCKy** – becky, my most loyal reviewer who starts almost every review with "aw" or "oh"!! :D HOW ARE YOU? GOOD? GOOD. Glad you love my story. I do try. Your email doesn't work? Shame. Well I'll try and update as often as I can then. :D

*********** - I get the feeling you want me to update!! Lol. Don't worry, I will not leave you all hanging, I promise I will get this story finished, bear with me. 

**Golden Rose** – as soon as I finish a chapter I'll upload it. Thanks for reviewing!

**Princess pixie ice** – lol, glad you liked my meat and bread thing. And don't worry if you weren't feeling too inspired, I'm not feeling all that inspired at the moment myself!

**Starborn – yay, my other loyal reviewer. :D you and BeCKy have reviewed loads of my chapters, thank you so much. It's so great to get reviews, knowing people are reading and are enjoying my work. Thanks! I love the word indeed – don't you?! And normal dancing is NEVER enough when it comes to James Potter!!!!!!**

**Ohepelss Oramtnci** – yep, I liked the pole dancing part too! I love your name by the way, whatever it means!

**Clearbrook** – bittersweet…I like that word! I think it's perfect word to describe my story, don't you?

**Sun Chime – **wow, fantastic? I wouldn't call my story _fantastic_, but thanks!!

**Rose Black – **yay, one of the longest reviews I've ever had! Thank you!!!! Lots of things you said were very interesting :P I totally agree with you on James. He's a doofus, trying to be all hero-like and saving Lily when really he's just hurting her more, wouldn't you say? Silly boy. 'And they should just kill Peter'. Lol, yeah but they don't know he's up to anything do they? But yes, it would seem the logical thing to do from our point of view!

Now, this chapter IS NOT a staller, let's get that straight. I thought it would be important to have this memory put in, and I thought instead of putting it with other things in a chapter, it would have a chapter all by itself (isn't it lucky!) with all the thank yous and stuff. So do not hate me, enjoy the memory, feel your presence in the sad time and review at the end!! I changed the rating because I thought this chapter may be unsuitable in its violence and stuff. Oh, and I tried hard to think of timing, and spent about five minutes drawing up a time-line on the computer of birthdays and dates on my computer…and then I thought "scrap that, I'm sure no one will care if this is supposed to be set in the 70s or whatever and it doesn't seem like that!" I did try not to have anything modern in it, though. REVIEW!!! : )  ~rowanx

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_James walked across the room and sat on the pale blue quilt. He fingered the soft material and gazed at the tantalising pattern of navy blue seahorses and fish of soft purple. He looked up as Sirius came into the room, a grin plastered on his cheeky face, as was usual. James felt uneasy. He looked at the wand in Sirius' hand and looked up at him. Not wanting his best friend to think he'd gone soft, he laughed casually and said, "Don't you think you're being a bit mean? Mona _loves _that Barbie."_

_     Sirius grinned. "Yeah, and she'll love it more in black!" He walked over to her bed and knelt down. Pushing the box full of memories forgotten and old childhood toys of his own, he reached right under her bed through the shadows right to the back; he lifted up what he knew was a lose floorboard and shoved it aside. Reaching his hand in, he pulled out a bow, and drew it out from under the bed for James to see. James leaned forward, curious above all negative thoughts to see what was inside Mona's box. He knew what they were doing was wrong, but he had heard from Sirius and indeed Mona herself about how no one was ever to go into her bedroom because she didn't want anyone going through her things, and ever since Sirius had found the hiding place of her secret box from overhearing a conversation between her and her best friend Clara, James had to admit, he had been curious to see what was in there._

_     Decorated on the lid of the box were drawings of pink and blue and yellow flowers and scrawled on one edge in neat, purple handwriting read: "Mona's Box of Secrets". Sirius carefully lifted up the lid and placed it carefully onto the floor. The first thing they saw was a picture of Mona and Clara at Mona's birthday party. They were wearing silly sunflower hats and Clara had chocolate dribbled down her chin. Shifting that aside, amongst various writing pads and other things, Sirius reached for the lumpy figure at the bottom of the small shoebox. He lifted it out, and James felt the queasy feeling down at the pit of his stomach again. "Sirius, I don't think we should do this."_

_     "Oh, I'm only getting her back for nicking my orange the other day." Sirius pulled a childish pout._

_     "Didn't your mum say you had to give it to her because you'd had the last orange last time and it was Mona's turn?" Sirius pointed out._

_     Sirius stuck his tongue out at James and held the Barbie doll in front of him. It was very precious to Mona, who apparently had had it since she was three years old. She was now eight. And Sirius, being her older brother by two years, should really have been the less childish of the two. James shook his head and grinned. Sometimes he thought that the Blacks' had got their children confused the wrong way round, and it was actually Mona who was the mature ten year old._

_     Holding the wand in his hand, Sirius had it pointing towards the doll and was in a state of remembrance; it appeared he had forgotten the spell he had found in a book in his parents "secret" bookshelves. Suddenly, his face filled bright and he turned to James eagerly, obviously about to tell him something interesting he had just remembered, but he had barely got James' name out when they heard a loud, shrill scream._

_     James and Sirius whipped their heads round to the door. "That sounded like Mona," said Sirius, dropping her doll to the floor and getting to his feet._

_     "I thought you said she was at Clara's house," James said, getting up and rushing out of Mona's room in Sirius' footsteps. Running along the corridor he stopped at the picture of the Blacks. Staring wide-eyed in horror, he saw Mrs Black collapsed against Mr Black, who seemed shocked. Mrs Black was obviously dead. Mona was leaning against the side of the frame with her hands over her mouth and Sirius was kicking wildly at his father who didn't seem to notice. James fled from the corridor through the kitchen to the living room, where it seemed Sirius had only just reached. Sirius: oblivious to anything except for his crying sister who sat in a small heap against the door. "Mona…" he said. Looking up, he could see why she was crying._

_     Lying on the floor slumped against a chair lay Mrs Black, pale, lifeless, with a gash on her arms and across her neck. Over her stood Mr Black, holding a muggle kitchen knife, in apparent shock. He was as pale as she was; his pupils wide open, his hand shaking as it was still raised high in the air violently. Sirius simply gasped and James stared at Mr Black in confused disbelief. At that moment three things happened at the same time: Mona fainted and James supported her in his arms; Sirius lunged forward in rage at his father; and Mr Black raised the knife to his throat and slit it._

_     The cries that followed from Mona's screaming voice and from Sirius' horrified expression were too much for James to bear. He ran to the hall and found the telephone. Thankfully, he had been living amongst and going to school with muggles for a long time now, and knew exactly what to do. He lifted the handset to his ear and dialled 999 on the board. Someone answered calmly, and he screamed down the phone for an ambulance. He knew there was no point, he knew that the Blacks, whom he had loved dearly for so long, were dead. But he didn't know what else to do. A man came on the line and asked what was wrong and James told him in a quieter voice, shaking with fear and shock. He struggled to remember the address, but finally got it out, and the man said they would be there as soon as they could. Dropping the handset from his hands and letting the cord swing it to and fro lose in the air he walked slowly back into the living room. Sirius was still standing exactly where he was when James had gone to call for help, and Mona was just recovering from her faint. She looked around, unsure of what was happening. James rushed forward trying to block the horrendous site from the view of an innocent eight-year-old, but she saw it, and the screams that rung out endlessly from her despair haunted James' nightmares for days, for weeks, for years to come._


	21. Soul Mate

James walked down to breakfast the next day with a feeling of numbness. The previous night he remembered crying, he remembered pain, he remembered Lily's soothing voice, and he remembered her safe embrace, but…he couldn't remember much else. Oh, he remembered the pole dancing of course. Most unfortunately that was the one thing he couldn't forget. He sat down next to Sirius and said hello. Sirius nodded in reply, scanning his face quickly, and then looked away. James sighed. Everyone was being really weird. He wished they would just treat him normally. His parents died, yeah, but… No. James shook his head. He would be acting weirdly around anyone if their parents had died. I mean, what do you say when you have absolutely no idea how the other is feeling? But Sirius knew. "You alright?" James asked.

Sirius nodded without looking at his friends' face. "Hey," said James. "Look at me." Sirius looked up. "You remember how it is, right?" Sirius nodded slowly with a strange look on his face. "No special treatment. Ok?" With a slight hesitation, Sirius nodded. James clapped his friend on the back and started biting into his toast. "So what have we got first?"

"Transfiguration," Sirius answered back. James nodded. Together the two finished their breakfasts and got up without a word, heading side by side to Transfiguration.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Hey Lily." James sat down next to her but she didn't say anything. Sirius sat in the row in front and turned round.

"Lily, are you alright?" he asked. Lily still kept staring down at her books with her arms crossed, as if determined not to crack and to stay angry. Though why she was angry was beyond the two boys. James raised an eyebrow at Sirius who grinned back. After three exact seconds, the two boys lunged at Lily, tickling her ferociously. Lily started giggling uncontrollably. Lindsay ran over in an attempt to help but just got tickled by Sirius instead. James continued to tickle Lily until she had tears in her eyes from laughing so much and was begging him to stop. He did and stayed looking at her for a moment. Lily stared at him in wonder. She wished she could read his mind. After a few moments James drew back and leaned back in his chair, facing forward and twiddling his quill in one hand.

Lily brushed the messed-up hair out of her eyes and tried to pretend she couldn't see the suggestive looks Sirius and Lindsay were sending her and James' way. Lily desperately tried to remember why she was angry, but it didn't seem so important anymore.

Halfway through the lesson, when they were just copying down notes from some books, James said, "Hey, are we still on for Hogsmeade on Saturday?" Lily nodded slowly. A little thought was prickling at the back of her mind, and she knew it wasn't going to go away. James frowned, seeing Lily's quiet anguish. "What's wrong?" he asked, sounding perhaps a little too kind. Lily looked at him despairingly. She coughed and looked down at her books. "The other night, when you pole-danced; well, I don't know if you remember because, well, you…you were…"

"I had a bit of a breakdown," James finished for her, smiling wryly.

Lily nodded sympathetically and looked back up at him. "You said something that I don't know was important or just some mumbled words from a guy who's parents have just died. Or maybe it is important, and if it is, I want to know why."

James nodded slowly. "What did I say?" he asked. Out of the corner of his eyes he could tell that Sirius had stopped writing to listen to their conversation.

Lily gulped. "You said something like, how you couldn't – kiss me," she blushed, "and how you wish I knew and if only I understood."

James expression had hardened and the body in front had tensed quite a bit as well, though not to the knowledge of Lily who was paying only attention to James. James gulped and then stared hard at his notebook and back to Lily again. Lily sighed. He was getting ready to lie. "Don't," she said, holding up a hand as he opened his mouth to speak. "If you're not going to tell me the truth, don't bother." She had been hoping that maybe that would get him to tell her the truth, but instead he just nodded feebly and went slowly back to his work. Lily did the same. But Sirius didn't work for the rest of the lesson.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Are you alright Lily?" asked Sirius, catching up to her after class. James was nowhere to be seen.

Lily shrugged. "Sure. My boyfriend is lying to me, I haven't a clue why, and I completely forgot about our Potions homework for next lesson."

Sirius smiled. "He's not your boyfriend Lily?" Lily raised an eyebrow questioningly. "You called James your boyfriend," Sirius explained. 

Lily went bright red. "Did I?" she asked. "Oh hell… I'm never going to get over him unless I understand why I have to! Do you know? I mean, you are his best friend, he probably told you, right? Unless it's something so horrible he can't even tell you about it. Oh no, but what if it's something so terrible that he had to tell you? Or –"

"Lily!" Sirius clamped a hand over Lily's mouth. "Please, stop, you're rambling."

Lily blushed again. "Sorry," she said. She sighed. "This is just so annoying. I love him."

"I know you do," Sirius said. "Look, I'm sure James has his reasons. I don't know why he's not with you, but you can see how much it pains him, can't you? He will come to his senses, trust me."

Lily smiled in appreciation. She hugged him lightly before the two continued to Potions. When they entered the classroom, all the students were there, but the professor wasn't. They assumed that the he was late, as usual. Looking around, the two couldn't see James anywhere. Sirius walked up to Remus. "Hey, you seen James?" he asked.

"No," Remus answered. "He was in your class."

Sirius looked around again. "He left before us, he should be here." Remus stood up. "I'll go," said Sirius, turning.

"I'm coming with you," said Remus.

"What's going on?" yelled out Lily as the two fled from the classroom.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James stood on the top of Hogswarts holding onto his broomstick. He sat on the roof and wept into his hands. Sometimes he was perfectly fine and the next he was crying uncontrollably. What was wrong with him?

_Your parents are dead, that's what's wrong with you,_ said a little voice in the back of his head.

James nodded. But he thought it was more than that.

_You've not only lost one part of your heart, _the voice said, _your parents. You've lost Lily too. The biggest part._

James frowned. **How can I love Lily more than my parents?** he thought.

_She's your soul mate, that's why._

**How do you know? Anyway, I don't believe in all that soul mate bull.**

_No you didn't, did you?__ Not until you met Lily anyway. _James didn't answer. _That's when you did start believing. And then all this happened, and it squashed your belief, didn't it?_

**I just want to be with her. Why is that so hard? I need her.**

_No one said you couldn't be with her._

**But I don't want her to die…**

_Who said she wasn't going to die anyway? Just because you two aren't officially dating, it doesn't mean that Voldemort won't obviously see your love that shines out so clearly anyway and kill the two of you. And then you'll just have died unhappy and not together._

James thought about this for a long time, and was thinking about it so hard, that he barely noticed his friends flying up beside him. When he finally did realise they were there, they were sitting down next to him quietly and he said, "How did you know I was up here?"

"It's where we all go," answered Remus simply. "This is the highest place you can be. The best place to think." James looked at the mountains surrounding him. It was a beautiful view.

"We thought you might do something stupid, so we came up here." James couldn't help but laugh and Remus looked offended.

"Sorry," said James, his sudden change of mood startling himself more than it startled his friends. "But why would I kill myself?"

"Hmm," said Sirius sarcastically, let's make a list…" Remus punched him and Sirius stopped. "Then again, maybe a list of reasons why you should kill yourself isn't the best of things to be talking about right now."

James sighed. "I want Lily," he said quietly. His friends stayed silent. "I'm going to tell her."

Remus and Sirius started talking at the same time and James laughed again. "One at a time!" he said.

Remus glared at Sirius who glared back. Eventually Remus looked away and Sirius grinned triumphantly. "I think that's great," said Sirius. "After all, if you're as unhappy as you are now, who's to say you can't be with Lily right now."

"I agree," said Remus. Silence.

"What, that's it?" asked James.

"You were saying loads over the top of me and all you had to say was, 'I agree'?" Sirius said.

"Oh, I was just saying blahblahblah," explained Remus. The three boys started laughing again and flew off the castle to its grounds. They didn't bother going back to Potions. They'd missed half the lesson anyway. Instead they flew around the Quidditch Field, James showing off, and raced each other around the school.


	22. Confusion and guilt

"Ok," James muttered to himself. "Next time you see her, just tell her. No, wait," he stopped walking, breathed, and continued walking again. "No, I can't just tell her. Just out like that. That's stupid. Ok, so I tell her that there's something I need to tell her about needing to tell her something, and – no, that's too many 'tell's." James rubbed his face in agony. How was he going to tell her? "Right," he muttered again. "Why don't I just improvise, because planning what I'm going to say obviously isn't working too well."

Remus and Sirius, who were walking behind James, grinned at each other in amusement. They were pretty sure they'd never heard James talk to himself before, and it was all they could do _not to crack up._

"Where's Peter?" asked Remus all of a sudden.

Sirius turned round. "Oh," he said, sounding surprised. "I don't know. I'm sure he was with us a second ago."

"Is it just me or has Wormtail been acting really weird lately?" said James, turning around and walking backwards, to join in his friends' conversation.

Remus shrugged. "Couldn't say, he's barely been around."

"Well, next time we see him, we'll have a nice _long chat with him. I guess we should have asked earlier if there was anything wrong, but I thought if there was something up he'd just tell us," Sirius admitted._

James nodded. "I don't think I've spoken to him for a week," he said guiltily.

"Hey, it's not out fault," said Remus. "He's the one who's been so busy and wondering off without saying anything, right?" Sirius and James nodded. "I'm sure he'll be back to normal soon."

James felt something collide with his back and swivelled round just in time to catch Lily's hand before she fell to the floor. She pulled herself back up with James' hands and raised an eyebrow. "Wow," she said, "great reflexes."

"I am a Quidditch player, aren't I?" James boasted. "Not too good on eyesight though."

"Yeah, it would help if you were actually looking the right way to begin with," Lily joked, folding her arms.

James took Lily's hand in his again and bowed low to the ground. "You have my most sincere apologies, Madame," he said, kissing her hand. When he rose again and slowly let go of her hand, he felt a small poke (I say small, but James jumped with the fright and pain that gnawed into his back.) and turned round to see Sirius and Remus, wide-eyed, eyebrows raised, arms folded, and giving a very hinting look altogether. James frowned and turned back round. "Er, Lily," he started, but then the DADA teacher turned up and they were all rushed into the classroom. _I'll just tell her after class, _thought James.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Turned out, James didn't have another chance to talk to Lily for the rest of that day. They only had one more lesson together, Charms, and, most unfortunately for them, Professor McGonagall was taking them because Flitwick had a rather nasty green blurb disease. So basically, there was all work, no chatting. Then after Charms, Lily ran off giggling with Lindsay before James had a chance to say anything. 

"Don't give me that look," James groaned in the common room that night when Remus had come in with Sirius. "It's not my fault. There just hasn't been a good time, that's all."

"Yeah right," said Sirius. "More likely that you haven't been trying hard enough to tell her. Almost like you're putting it off?" Sirius smiled. "Where is she now?"

"No idea," said James. "She's probably gone to bed for an early night or something. Look, I said I'd go to Hogsmeade with her tomorrow – I'll tell her then. I'll buy her a butterbeer. Ooze her pain…"

"Her pain, or yours?" 

James frowned at Remus in annoyance. He stood up. "Come to think of it, I'm going to have an early night too." He turned around and went to his dormitory.

"He won't sleep," said Remus sadly. 

Sirius nodded. "I know."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James lay with his arms on his head and stared at the top of his four-poster. He had given up any thoughts of sleep hours ago. He turned his head and lifted an arm to look at his watch which was lying on his table, facing towards him. It was 03:04 and he still hadn't slept even for a little while.

He sighed and rolled over. All through the night all James could think about was having to tell Lily something which he knew would scare her and most probably break her heart more. He hated hurting Lily, but he'd already made the decision. He'd put her through so much all ready. The least he could do was to offer an explanation for why he couldn't be with her even though he did love her. More than anything.

That was what James hated most. What he hated more than not telling Lily about Voldemort and the prophecy, was lying to her about the fact that he loved her. He knew she loved him, and she admitted it freely, but he didn't, and it made him feel terrible. He had to tell her the truth, he had to. And he wasn't going to change his mind. _Tomorrow, as soon as I see her, I'll take her aside and just tell her, James thought determinedly. The only problem was what to say…_

James heard the dormitory door creak open. He lifted his head and tried to make out the dark figure entering the room. Whoever it was closed the door and turned back round. In the glimpse of moonlight from the crack in the curtains James managed to catch who it was before they turned again and tiptoed to their bed.

He crinkled his brow and lay his head back down. What had Peter been doing that made him sneak into the dormitory at three o'clock in the morning? James did feel really guilty. He hoped that whatever Peter was doing, he wasn't doing it because James, Sirius and Remus had been…_neglecting him. He was sure they hadn't been, but he'd been so stuck on his own problems, he hadn't had much time for anything else. Not even his best friend._

With this gloomy thought in his head, James slowly (somehow) drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Lily!" James sat up yelling. He fell out of bed and landed on the floor with a loud thud. He sat up quickly and saw as the rest of his roommates jumped out of bed and looked confused and sleepy. Peter more than anyone else.

"Shit, James," said Sirius, holding a hand to his heart. "You scared the crap out of me."

"Yeah, what's with the wake-up call?" asked Freddie sitting back on his bed. "It's seven o'clock!"

Peter yawned and James turned sharply towards him. "You were in late last night," he said, changing the subject craftily.

Peter stopped in mid-yawn and closed his mouth slowly. "W-What do you mean?" he asked looking petrified.

"I didn't get much sleep last night, and yes, I was awake when you sneaked in at 3 o'clock in the morning. Basically, what I mean is, where the hell were you?"

Everyone turned their heads to the slowly shrinking back form that was Peter. At first he didn't say anything, and simply looked around at his friends in worry. His face then abruptly changed from worry to deep anger. He stood up and looked at James, hands clenched at his side. James raised his eyebrows. He didn't think he'd ever seen Peter angry before. He was such a nice, laid-back chap. "It's none of your business where I was! Like you care anyway! You wonder where I've been lately? Well if you, Sirius and Remus weren't so caught up in yourselves, maybe you would know. These days, it's like I'm not even a marauder anymore! You three have been keeping me from things and I'm not stupid, ok? Do you think I'm just going to trail after you three for the rest of my life? Well for your information, I have other friends. Friends who appreciate me and treat me with respect."

James looked at Sirius who raised his eyebrows. "Well, um, that's…great, Wormtail," said Remus slowly, carefully choosing his words. "Do we know them?"

"No," said Peter with scorn. "You wouldn't understand them. Well I do. And they understand me. I don't need you anymore." Saying this last sentence particularly to James, Peter stormed over to the door and slammed it heavily behind him as he exited the dormitory.

There was a strange silence left in the room. Freddie, the only one not in the marauders, was the first to break it. "Well…that was strange."

"Not only was it strange, it was just plain weird," said Sirius.

"And unexpected," added Remus.

"Yeah that too," Sirius said glumly.

James frowned and stood slowly. Without a word he got dressed, as did the others. When they finished they went down to the dormitory where they sat in a deep silence, each filled with as much confusion and guilt as the other.

"I'm worried," James said at last.

Remus sighed. "Of course you are. We all are. Peter's our friend, and look what we've done?"

Freddie coughed. "Well, technically, I'm not his best friend – I didn't do anything." The other three glared at him. "Ok, well, maybe I had a part in it," Freddie finally admitted.

James sighed. "I haven't got time for this," he said.

"Oh yeah, when did you say you'd go to Hogsmeade with Lily?" asked Sirius.

Before James could answer, Remus said, "By the way James, why the hell did you wake us up so early? Did you have a nightmare or something?"

James tried to ignore the screams and menacing laughs and skulls and pain that he remembered from his dream the previous night. "No," he said with a hint of sarcasm. "Of course I didn't." He didn't mean for them to believe the sentence. But he meant for them to understand from the sarcasm that he wasn't going to talk about it. Having known James Potter for almost seven years, Sirius and Remus instantly shut up. Freddie, however, didn't.

"Well, you must have," he said, not noticing Sirius' glares. "Why else would you fall out of bed yelling Lil-ow!" Sirius had got up, gone over to Freddie and punched him hard in the arm.

"I often find that subtle hints don't always work," Sirius said. "Sometimes you do have to revert to VIOLENCE." Remus laughed.

James looked at his watch and stood up. "Right, anyone want some breakfast?"

a/n: quite a short chapter, I know, but I'm trying to fill you with suspense for the hopefully-exciting bit coming up! MWAHAHA – yes, I am rather EVIL aren't I? :D review, and your suspense will soon be ended.         ~rowanx            (you'll be glad to know (I hope!) that my muse has fully returned, and has no plans as of yet for further vacations :D )


	23. Almost

A/N: despite all, I managed to add a small (extremely small) quote from friends. It's said quite a lot from one character. :D Not sure how you'll find the chapter but I found it extremely depressing and frustrating to write. JAMES IS SO STUPID! Feel intrigued? GOOD. :P Warning: There's only one chapter left to go after this… Please don't kill me! Review instead! ~rowanx

Throughout breakfast James had constantly been looking around for Lily, wondering where she was. He had barely touched his food and wasn't feeling hungry anyway. The thought of what he had to do was making him too nervous to eat. He saw Lyndsay come in and stood up so quickly to greet her that he knocked his pupkin juice onto Sirius who was the only one not to find it so funny. "Hey Lyndsay where's Lily?" he asked. 

"Wow, you really don't bother with small talk, do you." Lyndsay laughed.

James blushed. "It's just, me and Lily were supposed to um, to go to Hogsmeade today, so I was just, you know, I mean, it doesn't matter, not like it's a date or anything, but, um…"

"James, relax!" Lyndsay said, grinning. "You _are _allowed to want to know where Lily is, you know." James did relax. "She's already gone down there. Said there was something she needed to do and she said to tell you to meet her in the Three Broomsticks in half an hour." Lyndsay scaled on past and sat down with her friends.

James breathed in heavily and sat down again, playing around with her food. He'd barely been sitting down for a second though when he jumped up again. "You know, I think I'm just going to go and get ready," he said. "I'll see you guys at dinner." With that short note, James quickly left the hall, anxiety and worry making his breath short and deep.

When he had left the hall a voice called out behind him. He turned to see that Freddie had followed him out of the hall. "What do you want?" asked James quietly.

"Are you alright?" asked Freddie.

"Yep, yep I'm fine," James said tightly.

"Well, it's obvious you aren't," Freddie said. "I overheard you talking," he admitted. "So, you've decided to tell Lily?" James hesitated, then nodded. So did Freddie. "That's good to know." He opened his mouth to speak again but shut it almost as quickly. 

"Freddie, I'm really sorry – about everything."

Freddie nodded in understanding. "I know, mate. It's ok." After a small awkward silence, the two turned and walked off in opposite directions.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James sat in The Three Broomsticks with his hand around a butterbeer. He didn't dare lift it up, he thought he might drop it his hands were shaking so much. Christ…how was he going to explain all this to Lily? He had been planning it for hours and hours – and he still didn't have a clue.

The door of the pub opened and James looked up to see the gorgeous red-head bounce in smiling. He smiled shakily and waved to her. She spotted his hand, grinned, and walked over. "I got you a butterbeer," he said as she sat down.

"Oh, cheers James," Lily said smiling.

After a few moments of awkward silence, James said, "So, what was this little errand of yours that you had to run that couldn't be done with me by your side?"

Lily grinned mischievously. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

James laughed, despite all. "Fine, be all secretive, see if I care." He loved how Lily could make him shake all his troubles away and just laugh, but within moments of thinking this, his grin faded. "Lily, there's something I… Um, there's something that…that I need to tell you…"

Lily gulped down a bit of her butterbeer and set it down on the table. James laughed. She had a bit of froth around her mouth. Lily frowned. "What? What is it? Are you laughing at me?!"

James just laughed more. "You've just got…a little…" He gave up explaining and leaned forward to wipe it from her mouth. As his fingers connected with her lips he paused, feeling the rush of electricity shoot up his arms and all over his body. She obviously felt the same thing from the look on her face. James made no sign that he had any plan to move his fingers away from her. Mesmerised in her eyes, he traced his fingers along her cheek and leaned in to kiss her. After a slight hesitation, he felt her kiss him back, and it was the best feeling he'd ever had. Licking the froth away from her mouth, James heard Lily groan at the extra contact. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him in for more.

James slowly pulled away, but stayed close to Lily's face. Not knowing what to say, he said the first thing that came into his head. "Will you go back out with me?" Not giving him a chance to change his mind, Lily leaned in for a second kiss, giving James the satisfaction he needed. "I'll take that as a yes," he whispered against her lips, moving in to kiss her again.

"You don't miss anything, do you?" she chuckled softly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You did _what_?" Remus exploded, standing up.

James ran his hand over his face. "I know, I know…" he whispered.

"Well, I don't think you really do," said Remus, reacting just as James knew he would. 

At that moment Sirius walked into the common room smiling. "Hello children," he said in his annoying superior tone. He looked at the scene in front of him. James was sitting in a red chair his head in his arms, and Remus was standing arms folded glaring at him. "Right then," said Sirius slowly, moving over to Remus. "What has naughty boy James done now."

"Maybe you should ask what he hasn't done," Remus said quietly.

Being the intelligent superior being that Sirius was it didn't take him long to figure out what Remus meant. Turning to James, he said, "What happened?"

"I don't know!" James burst out, standing up. "I have no idea! I was all ready to tell her and then she had froth on her mouth from the butterbeer and it looked really funny and I laughed and she frowned and I moved to wipe it off and I kissed her and then I asked her out and she said yes and…" James stopped, breathing heavily.

Sirius shook his head. "Well that was stupid," he said, stating the obvious. "You do know that this is only going to make it harder when you do tell her, don't you?"

"Of course I know, you don't have to remind me," James snapped irritably.

Lily walked in from the portrait hole, Lyndsay by her side. Both were smiling a lot. When Lily spotted James she ran over and kissed him. "Hello," she said smiling.

"It's so great that those two are back together, isn't it?" Lyndsay whispered to Remus and Sirius. The two boys exchanged glances and didn't say anything.

James gulped. "Hey Lily," he said, trying to sound enthusiastic. Obviously, he didn't fool his love.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked immediately. She stepped away. "James, if you don't stop playing with me…"

"No, no, it's nothing like that," James said quickly. "I want to be with you. We're together, and nothing's going to change that." Lily moved forward again hesitantly. "Ok?" James asked. Lily moved into James' embrace and hugged him tightly. James tried to avoid his friends' looks as he whispered into Lily's ear: "We'll always be together…"

A/N: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JAMES IS SO DUMB sorry for lack of lengthyness as my friend would say, but I care not. :P the next chapter will probably be the last, unless I decide to be cruel and make it into two :P review! ~rowanx


	24. To Death and Beyond

James held Lily's hands in his own. "Lily," he said softly… "There's a prophecy that me and you, or, me and someone, are going to have a child that will defeat this evil wizard murderer, but we are under a huge risk and if Voldemort finds us he will, without a doubt, kill us."

Lily chewed on her gum. "So?" she said. Grinning at him, she pressed her body up against his. "Fuck me," she said tartly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James' eyes snapped open. Out of all the dreams he had had so far concerning Lily's reaction, that had to be the weirdest. The first one he'd had was just her crying, saying she never wanted to see his shoes again, and in another one she had advra kedavra'd him.

He really hoped none of these scenarios happened.

So…what would happen?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Walking down the stairs the next morning, James was immediately confronted with the two people he had most hoped not to bump into: Sirius and Remus. James turned around to walk back up to his dormitory but Remus grabbed James' arm and swivelled him back round again, marching him into the common room.

"Look, I'm gonna do it, ok? I don't need you two checking up on me or anything," James said angrily.

"Well, I think you do," Sirius said with his arms folded. "I'm not saying it's your fault. I'd be scared as hell too if I were you. So since we're feeling in good moods, Moony and I have decided to take on the pressure of not letting you accidentally forget or letting Lily walk off without you talking to her first."

"You should be grateful," Remus said, smirking.

James frowned. "Well I'm not, alright? So just fuck off. I can do this by myself."

At that moment, Lily came bouncing down the stairs in her Hogwarts uniforms, looking beautiful even without any make-up on, her hair not quite as straight as it could be, and her face showing that she was as tired as ever. James was caught in just the sight of her she radiated such beauty. Remus moved towards James, and whispered in his ear, "You sure about that?"

"Lily, you coming down to breakfast?" James asked.

Lily nodded happily. "Yeah. I'm starving." She walked up and kissed James on the cheek. He gulped at the touch and looked at her intently. "What is it?" she finally asked when he didn't say anything.

"Um...yeah, listen, we…I…I really need to talk to you."

"Oh, well, can we do it after breakfast?" Lily asked. "I really do feel like I could eat everything in the Great Hall!"

James smiled weakly. "No," he said in a pathetically quiet voice. "We have to talk now."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Ok," she said cautiously. James took her arm and steered her out of the common room, leaving Remus and Sirius to stare worriedly after them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James led Lily to the lake and stopped when he reached his favourite tree. It was a willow tree, and its leaves draped over the lake, bristling in the wind, making the water ripple eloquently. James knelt down and touched the water; it was icy cold, and he shivered as the coldness fully reached into his bones. Wind rustled past him in a hurry to get somewhere. Wherever it was going, James wished he were going with it. Lily sat down by James' side and placed a hand onto his shoulder, which was presumably supposed to be comforting and supportive. "James?" 

James shuddered as the soft gentleness with which she spoke his name danced through his eardrums and down into his heart. He rocked back on his heels and sat down properly, turning to face Lily.

"You've been wondering all this time why I…ended it, with you, haven't you?" he asked quietly. Lily nodded slowly, gulping. She was suddenly very worried about where this was going to go. "Well, I have to tell you. I've been wanting to tell you for months…"

"Whatever it is, I won't think any less of you."

Only James knew the lie in that sentence. Even Lily didn't realise it. But James knew that Lily probably would think less of him. Even he thought less of him. "It didn't have anything to do with Freddie. And it didn't have anything to do with you." He breathed in a deep breath as everything he had wanted to say for ages finally poured out. "Lily, I love you. I love you more than I love myself, more than I love the marauders, and I think, more than I ever loved my parents." There wasn't much visible change in Lily's face, except James thought he could see the same sort of feeling reflected in her eyes.

James told her everything. He told her about Voldemort, about the prophecy, about Voldemort killing his own diviner wife, about Freddie being under the control of Voldemort that day, and everything Dumbledore had told him.

Watching your love gasp in horror, watching tears streak down their face, watching them begin to hyperventilate under uncontrollable fear, watching their whole life shatter to pieces, is the worst possible thing to ever have to do. James clung onto his Lily as hard as could, worried she would break into pieces if he ever let go. "It's ok Lily," he whispered. "It'll be ok."

"Oh James…" she murmured, crying still. She pulled away after what seemed like centuries and looked deeply into James' eyes. There was a sense of deep determination and boldness that momentarily broke through the fear. "We'll be together always, won't me? Promise me. Whatever happens…to death and beyond…"

James nodded, "I love you," and they kissed, hugging tightly. Always together, to the end…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Peter screamed aloud as Voldemort cast the spell on him that would bound him to the dark side forever. When Voldemort finished the spell Peter fell to the floor. The other Death Eaters left laughing pitilessly and eventually so did Voldemort. Peter cried silently on the floor while he writhed from the pain that had been brought upon him. What had he done? What had he done? Oh god, Lily and James… What had he done… Peter traced his fingers upon the mark on his arm that would never leave him: The Dark Mark.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N:                          **THE END.**

Well, we've now come to the end of "Secret Love". I hope you enjoyed reading it, and won't torture me too much for the ending. I thought that this was the only way to end it. The rest we already know pretty much what happens. I didn't want to ruin the thousands of possibilities around what JK has already told us through the original Harry Potter series. And I'm sorry this was such a short chapter. But I didn't want to add anymore, in worry of ruining what I already had.

I would like to do a massive thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed. A special thanks to BeCkY, molzi, tom girl, Ohepelss Oramtnci, and starborn for reviewing lots and lots, especially towards the end :) 

Thanks to ash, Lys de Tigre, Lydia, jasmyn, Interested Reader, kristatwen, Mistocean, forbidden, Orange, jasminegurl, VoldemortsIllegitimateChild, calicat, twinkle, someone, reese, Yasashii Tsubasa, strwbrryspice, mooncancer, qwvixen21, strwbrryspice07, DaRk AnGeL, Lil-Brat888, chickibabe, lily evans, Bella Black, Kaz, Tiff, Nikole Kaylns, paws10081, Kaydee, Hermione101888, Mystic Queen, singer, love-ends-with-hope, DV, Moon*Wolf, MegHarts, josalyn, *******, GoldenRose, Princess pixie ice, Clearbrook, Sun Chime, Rose Black and dani. Also, thanks to all the people who reviewed but didn't leave a name and to all the people I may have accidentally left out! I love you all too! 

Wow. That took a LONG time. LoL. But I really am very very grateful. Your reviews helped me through this. Thank you so much for your support and compliments and criticisms throughout the story; all were welcomed! I hope you like me enough to read some of my other stories, lol. I might put up a story soon called "Perfect" which is ok but not brilliant which is L/J. I wrote it last year and put it up under the name heva, but I thought I might put it up again. If I have time! So look out for that. Ok, well I better go, before this A/N becomes longer than the chapter!! Goodbye, my lovely readers!!!!!

~rowanx

* Amor Vincit Omnia * Love Conquers All *


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